The Best of Irish

[Big Boy]

Three bodies turn up at the morturary, all with smiles on their faces.

Cop asks the coroner, "Why are they all smiling?

Coroner says, "1st guy died of a heart attack whilst making love to his mistress. 2nd guy won the lottery, and spent it all on hig living and died of pure decadence."

He went on, "The 3rd guy was unusual - Paddy was struck by lightning!"

Cop asks, "Why the hell was he smiling?"

Coroner replies, "Stupid git thought he was having his photo taken."

[Big Boy]

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night, After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says, "I wonder how the girls are getting on?"

[Big Boy]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin .. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."

"...I've stopped drinking!"

[bozzman101]

==============
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all".
"They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[Big Boy]

As they approached the Dublin air field, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings I ever did, Shamus.

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!

PILOT - Royt, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engines in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat!!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down full!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat too, Paddy!!

PILOT - An den stomp an der brakes as hard as ye can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, Paddy, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels touched the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,put the flaps down, stomped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all of his soul.

The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, as they untangled themselves from the overhead baggage and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop just a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, 'Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!'

Shamus replied, 'Yes, Paddy, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?'

[Big Boy]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the bloody height of this flagpole, but we don't have a bloody ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!




We need the bloody height and she gives us the bloody length.'

[Jockey]

An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an arrogant English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Irishman politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?" The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman listened in silence. The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."

The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?" The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman. Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile. "We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England. Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?"

[Jockey]

Q: What is black and blue and found floating upsidedown in the Irish sea?

A: Someone who tells stupid Irish jokes

[Big Boy]

A radio station in Ireland ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.

The final four were:

4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'if you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willy last night'.

After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'PRICE CHECK FOR TAMPAX SUPERSIZE'.

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?'

1st Place
And the winner is . . ..

This happened at a major Irish University , during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, 'yes, that's correct', adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.

The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question:

'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'…

[Big Boy]

Paddy takes his new wife home home on his wedding night. She lies on the bed spread eagled, naked, and says, "Paddy, you know what I want!"

Paddy replies, "Yeah, all of the bed by the look of it."

[Big Boy]

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Timmy.

Poor Timmy. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Timmy quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...........then all the other bells started to ring.

[Arcadian]

two unemployed Irish lumberjacks see a sign ,TREE FELLERS WANTED, Mick says, would you look at that Pat, pity deres only de two of us.

[Big Boy]

Three Irishmen were arrested in Beijing earlier today trying to gain entry to the main arena carrying 8 6 foot lengths of 4" x 2" and 3 rolls of barbed wire.

When questioned, they said that they were part of the Irish Fencing Team.

edit: post moved to satisfy those with a sense of humour failure - apologies to those of you who have read this twice.

[Big Boy]

Paddy and Murphy were rounding up sheep when a Ewe goes wild, runs in to a fence, and gets her head stuck.

They look at each other, pause for a moment, and then Paddy says. "This is too good an opportunity to pass up."

Paddy unzips his fly, and rides the Ewe for 10 minutes.

When he's finished he asks Murphy if he fancies some of the same?

"Too right I do," says Murphy. He pulls his trousers down and sticks his head in the fence!

[lindosfan1]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the

Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my

mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,

and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under

your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you

have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but

which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!