A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school... Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing..
Best of British
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers
the urologist is a very attractive female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate
today, but this new procedure is a little different from what
you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,
bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a
deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'!
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and
again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath
and say, '99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on
your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check
your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis and your testicles to keep
them out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One .....................Two .......................Three.....’
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers
the urologist is a very attractive female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate
today, but this new procedure is a little different from what
you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,
bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a
deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'!
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and
again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath
and say, '99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on
your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check
your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis and your testicles to keep
them out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One .....................Two .......................Three.....’
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and then again I just sits" Punch 24th Oct 1906
A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asked her husband. He hadn't, so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again the lid rose and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed down.
Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.
"Please sir," said the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replied, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So sorry," said the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asked her husband. He hadn't, so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again the lid rose and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed down.
Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.
"Please sir," said the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replied, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So sorry," said the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How the devil do you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How the devil do you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40 Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof !! the husband became 93 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof !! the husband became 93 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A Merthyr girl goes to Social Welfare to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Merthyr girl,
"Ten?" says the Welfare worker..
"What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne "
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah....." says the Merthyr girl, "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout ' WAYNE , YER DINNER'S READY!' or 'WAYNE GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Merthyr girl... "I just use their surnames"
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Merthyr girl,
"Ten?" says the Welfare worker..
"What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne "
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah....." says the Merthyr girl, "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout ' WAYNE , YER DINNER'S READY!' or 'WAYNE GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Merthyr girl... "I just use their surnames"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Merthyr girl?
A. Granny.
--------------------------------------
Q. Why did the Merthyr girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
--------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a Merthyr girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
--------------------------------------
Q. What's the first question during a Merthyr quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
--------------------------------------
Q. What does a Merthyr girl use as protection during sex?
A... A bus shelter.
-------------------------------------
Q. Two Merthyr kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
--------------------------------------
Q. What's the most confusing day in Merthyr?
A. Father's day
A. Granny.
--------------------------------------
Q. Why did the Merthyr girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
--------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a Merthyr girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
--------------------------------------
Q. What's the first question during a Merthyr quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
--------------------------------------
Q. What does a Merthyr girl use as protection during sex?
A... A bus shelter.
-------------------------------------
Q. Two Merthyr kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
--------------------------------------
Q. What's the most confusing day in Merthyr?
A. Father's day
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The Joneses decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities outside.
Junior began his commentary as his parents got into the action:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason's gone by on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Very startled, mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'
The message came straight back: 'Jimmy Cooper's standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.
Junior began his commentary as his parents got into the action:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason's gone by on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Very startled, mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'
The message came straight back: 'Jimmy Cooper's standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Some Oldies, But Goldies
A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called
Winston!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan ..
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------- -----------------------------------
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'
A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called
Winston!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan ..
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------- -----------------------------------
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity....
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards .
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.
Excerpt from a Dog's Diary........
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Day 983 of my captivity....
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards .
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.
Excerpt from a Dog's Diary........
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man takes a week off work and decides to play a round of golf every day.
First thing Monday morning, he sets off and soon finds himself catching up with a stunning woman playing in front of him. He suggests that they play against each other for the rest of the day and she agrees. The woman proves to be very talented, and wins on the last hole.
Afterwards, she accepts the man's offer of a lift home and, on the way, admits she hasn't enjoyed herself so much for a long time. "In fact," she says, "why don't you pull over so I can show you how much I appreciate it."
So the man pulls over and, to his delight, the woman performs oral sex on him.
They arrange to play golf again the next morning. Once again the woman wins, and she shows her appreciation in the same way on the journey home.
This goes on all week, until Friday, when the man reveals he has booked dinner at a restaurant and a night of passion in a hotel. On the way there, the woman suddenly bursts into tears. "I can't do it," she says, "You see, I'm a transvestite."
The man is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, and pulls the car to a screeching halt. "You f*****g cheat!" he screams. "You've been playing off the ladies' tees all week."
First thing Monday morning, he sets off and soon finds himself catching up with a stunning woman playing in front of him. He suggests that they play against each other for the rest of the day and she agrees. The woman proves to be very talented, and wins on the last hole.
Afterwards, she accepts the man's offer of a lift home and, on the way, admits she hasn't enjoyed herself so much for a long time. "In fact," she says, "why don't you pull over so I can show you how much I appreciate it."
So the man pulls over and, to his delight, the woman performs oral sex on him.
They arrange to play golf again the next morning. Once again the woman wins, and she shows her appreciation in the same way on the journey home.
This goes on all week, until Friday, when the man reveals he has booked dinner at a restaurant and a night of passion in a hotel. On the way there, the woman suddenly bursts into tears. "I can't do it," she says, "You see, I'm a transvestite."
The man is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, and pulls the car to a screeching halt. "You f*****g cheat!" he screams. "You've been playing off the ladies' tees all week."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminar when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED