My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
> "It's worth spending money on good speakers,"
> he told me.
(THINK ABOUT IT )
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(buffalo) Bill
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(buffalo) Bill
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- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
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(buffalo) Bill
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- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
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- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
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- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny
> summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My
> Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most
> forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so
> that you might tell me your troubles."
> The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in
> this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a
> curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
> "Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to
> help you?"
> "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to
> take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted
> and I'll be back to normal."
> "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be
> charitable. I think I can manage that."
> So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
> That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted
> off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the
> frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
> And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...
> summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My
> Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most
> forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so
> that you might tell me your troubles."
> The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in
> this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a
> curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
> "Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to
> help you?"
> "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to
> take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted
> and I'll be back to normal."
> "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be
> charitable. I think I can manage that."
> So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
> That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted
> off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the
> frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
> And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my bollocks off'
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my bollocks off'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different h ors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork str ips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother fucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
..........and, they lived happily ever after.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different h ors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork str ips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother fucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
..........and, they lived happily ever after.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
'No', he says, 'the seat is empty'.'This is incredible!' said the man, 'who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?
'He says, 'well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married'.'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat? 'The man shakes his head...
'No. They're all at the funeral'.
'No', he says, 'the seat is empty'.'This is incredible!' said the man, 'who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?
'He says, 'well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married'.'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat? 'The man shakes his head...
'No. They're all at the funeral'.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
'Hardly worth going home, is it?' she responded.
_____________________________________________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
_____________________________________________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
_____________________________________________________________
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia .... Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
_____________________________________________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But..... By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_____________________________________________________________
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
_____________________________________________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_____________________________________________________________
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
_____________________________________________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
_____________________________________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
'Hardly worth going home, is it?' she responded.
_____________________________________________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
_____________________________________________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
_____________________________________________________________
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia .... Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
_____________________________________________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But..... By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_____________________________________________________________
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
_____________________________________________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_____________________________________________________________
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
_____________________________________________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
_____________________________________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A Geordie lass went to see the doctor and said "My fanny keeps talking!"
The doctor took a look, and sure enough, the fanny kept saying, "Shearer will save United from relegation!"
The doctor turned to the woman and said, "Don't worry, it's a common complaint. Lots of stupid c*nts are saying that at the moment."
The doctor took a look, and sure enough, the fanny kept saying, "Shearer will save United from relegation!"
The doctor turned to the woman and said, "Don't worry, it's a common complaint. Lots of stupid c*nts are saying that at the moment."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
There were dogs in the vets, Jack and Butch. Jack turns to Butch and says, "What are you in for?"
Butch replies, "I mauled the postman and I'm being put to sleep."
Butch then asked, "What are you in for then?"
Jack replies, "I was walking past my owner's bathroom and saw her naked, bending over the sink washing her hair. I was so horny that I mounted her doggy style."
"Jesus" exclaimed Butch, "No wonder you're being put to sleep."
Jack replies, "I'm not, I'm in to get my nails clipped."
Butch replies, "I mauled the postman and I'm being put to sleep."
Butch then asked, "What are you in for then?"
Jack replies, "I was walking past my owner's bathroom and saw her naked, bending over the sink washing her hair. I was so horny that I mounted her doggy style."
"Jesus" exclaimed Butch, "No wonder you're being put to sleep."
Jack replies, "I'm not, I'm in to get my nails clipped."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man comes home from the pub, and immediately instructs his wife to go to the bedroom with him.
When they gets there, he rips off her clothes and says "Now darling, do a handstand against the full length mirror on the wall."
"Hmmm" she thinks, "KINKY ..... I like it."
She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a goatee would suit me."
When they gets there, he rips off her clothes and says "Now darling, do a handstand against the full length mirror on the wall."
"Hmmm" she thinks, "KINKY ..... I like it."
She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a goatee would suit me."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A blonde is driving home from work when she runs out of petrol.
She phones her husband and says, "Darling, I've run out of petrol because I was too scared to fill up because of this Swine flu.
He replied, "Don't be daft, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"
She phones her husband and says, "Darling, I've run out of petrol because I was too scared to fill up because of this Swine flu.
He replied, "Don't be daft, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
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Khundon1975
- Rock Star
- Posts: 3490
- Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:05 am
- Location: Boo, I'm behind you.
Ever wondered about
| Guts or Balls..
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
| Guts or Balls..
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
I've lost my mind and I am making no effort to find it.