Best of British

[(buffalo) Bill]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm..
> >
> > It was a disaster!
> >
> > Paddy missed the tube and Mick came
> on the bus!!

[(buffalo) Bill]

> A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy
> ordered a
> > whiskey. The
> > stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
> >
> >
> >
> > He replied in disgust,
> >
> > 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than
> let liquor touch my
> > lips!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Paddy handed his drink back and said:
> >
> > 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

[(buffalo) Bill]

>
> HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND THE POLICE DON'T MOVE FAST
> ANYMORE.
>
> George Phillips, an elderly man, from Vancouver, B.C., was going up to
> bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
> shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
> back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in
> the shed stealing things.
>
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said
> "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
> from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You
> should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is
> available."
>
> George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
> phoned the police again.
>
>
> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
> stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
> now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
>
>
> Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
> Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
> residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
> said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
>
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[(buffalo) Bill]

• What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
> the world's oldest mum?
My mum's 77. Beat that.

[(buffalo) Bill]

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd
> just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his
> wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P
> Boddington, Ringway

[(buffalo) Bill]

> • What's gone wrong with the world today, nowadays I can't even beat
> the wife about a bit without fear of intervention from social services
> or even fear of prosecution. It's PC gone mad.

[(buffalo) Bill]

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a
> loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him
> some chocolate!" The next day20someone offers them a piece of
> chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I
> wish they'd get their story straight.

[(buffalo) Bill]

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?
> Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end
> to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

[(buffalo) Bill]

Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds
> continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair

[(buffalo) Bill]

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
> What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
> about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

[(buffalo) Bill]

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his
> multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it
> at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again,
> it's one law for the rich and another for the poor

[(buffalo) Bill]

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
> regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
> TV in my local.

[(buffalo) Bill]

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
> world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received
> some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

[(buffalo) Bill]

• In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose
> Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina
> (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed
> the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes
> we will show a little more imagination in this century.

[(buffalo) Bill]

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother
> to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in
> London beside her husband"
> during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my
> grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife
> and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa,
> Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be
> with us.