New courses are now available designed to build on the Company Values and Staff Development Aims of the Bonus System. These will contribute to your training plan.
TRAINING COURSES
Personal Development Courses
D110 Creative Suffering
D120 Overcoming Peace of Mind
D130 Ego Gratification Through Non Violence
D140 Whine Your Way to Alienation
D150 Guilt Without Physical Contact
D160 Feigning Knowledge - a career advancement strategy
D210 Carrying a Sheet of Paper Whilst Walking Briskly
D220 Keeping Facts Out of Your Management Structure
D230 Effective Stupidity
D240 Discovering Clockwatching
D250 How to Appear Interested
D260 Problem Making made Easy
D270 Planning Without Forethought
D280 Dumb Insolence - A Practitioners Guide
D290 Speed Reading without Comprehension
Business and Career Development Courses
C110 Selling Office Stationery for Personal Gain
C120 Writing Without Meaning
C140 The Under Achievers Guide to Obscurity
C160 Purchasing With Your Donor Card
C210 Stress as a Hobby
C220 Indecision - which way now?
C240 Instilling Panic in Others
C250 Backstabbing - An Introduction
Relaxation and Craft Courses
R110 Bonsai Your Pet
R180 De-dandruffing your Keyboard
R190 Shoulder Sloping Reflex
Health and Safety Courses
H110 Office Fridge Biology
H150 Developing Eyestrain
H170 Industrial Injury - A Way to Long Term Happiness
Best of British
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> A man had
> two of the best seats at the FA Cup final.
>
> As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting
> in the seat next to him.
>
> "No", he says, "the seat is empty."
>
> "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would
> have a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event
> of the year,and not use it?"
>
> He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
> to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
> haven't been together since we got married."
>
> "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
> find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take
> the seat?"
> The man shakes his head...
>
>
>
> "No. They're all at the
> funeral."
> two of the best seats at the FA Cup final.
>
> As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting
> in the seat next to him.
>
> "No", he says, "the seat is empty."
>
> "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would
> have a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event
> of the year,and not use it?"
>
> He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
> to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
> haven't been together since we got married."
>
> "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
> find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take
> the seat?"
> The man shakes his head...
>
>
>
> "No. They're all at the
> funeral."
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> An
> English
> lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
> The lawyer is thinking that Scotsmen are so dumb that he could put
> something over on them easily. So the lawyer asks if the Scotsman
> would like to play a fun game.
>
> The Scotsman is
> tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries
> to catch a few winks. The English lawyer persists, and says that the
> game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
> answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
> answer, I will pay you £500, he says. This catches the Scotsman's
> attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
>
> The lawyer asks
> the first question. 'What's
> the distance from The Earth to the
> Moon?' The
> Scotsman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
> five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
>
> Now, it's
> the Scotsman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with
> three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and
> searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to
> all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
> searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scotsman and hands him
> £500. The Scotsman pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.
>
> The lawyer is
> going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scotsman up and asks,
> 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
> four?' The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and
> goes back to sleep.
> English
> lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
> The lawyer is thinking that Scotsmen are so dumb that he could put
> something over on them easily. So the lawyer asks if the Scotsman
> would like to play a fun game.
>
> The Scotsman is
> tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries
> to catch a few winks. The English lawyer persists, and says that the
> game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
> answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
> answer, I will pay you £500, he says. This catches the Scotsman's
> attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
>
> The lawyer asks
> the first question. 'What's
> the distance from The Earth to the
> Moon?' The
> Scotsman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
> five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
>
> Now, it's
> the Scotsman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with
> three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and
> searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to
> all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
> searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scotsman and hands him
> £500. The Scotsman pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.
>
> The lawyer is
> going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scotsman up and asks,
> 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
> four?' The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and
> goes back to sleep.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy
> ordered a
> > whiskey. The
> > stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust,
> >
> > 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than
> let liquor touch my
> > lips!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Paddy handed his drink back and said:
> >
> > 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
> ordered a
> > whiskey. The
> > stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust,
> >
> > 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than
> let liquor touch my
> > lips!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Paddy handed his drink back and said:
> >
> > 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy
> says to Murphy,
> > 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna
> pretend I'm mad!'
> >
> >
> >
> > He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and
> shouts:
> >
> > 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
> >
> > Murphy watches in amazement!
> >
> >
> >
> > The Foreman shouts: 'Paddy you're mad, go
> home'
> >
> > So he leaves the site.
> >
> >
> >
> > Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the
> Foreman.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'I can't work in the friggin dark!' says
> Murphy.
> says to Murphy,
> > 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna
> pretend I'm mad!'
> >
> >
> >
> > He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and
> shouts:
> >
> > 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
> >
> > Murphy watches in amazement!
> >
> >
> >
> > The Foreman shouts: 'Paddy you're mad, go
> home'
> >
> > So he leaves the site.
> >
> >
> >
> > Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the
> Foreman.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'I can't work in the friggin dark!' says
> Murphy.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the
> neighbour's dog is
> > barking like
> > mad in the garden.
> >
> > Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms
> off.
> >
> >
> >
> > He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife
> asks,
> >
> > 'What did you do?'
> >
> >
> >
> > Paddy replies, 'I've put the dog in our
> garden, lets see how they like
> > it!'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby
> cemetery.
> >
> > Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was
> 152!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Paddy says 'What's his name?'
> >
> >
> >
> > Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
> neighbour's dog is
> > barking like
> > mad in the garden.
> >
> > Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms
> off.
> >
> >
> >
> > He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife
> asks,
> >
> > 'What did you do?'
> >
> >
> >
> > Paddy replies, 'I've put the dog in our
> garden, lets see how they like
> > it!'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby
> cemetery.
> >
> > Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was
> 152!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Paddy says 'What's his name?'
> >
> >
> >
> > Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from
> Scotland, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
> Each
> embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
>
> The night of tales begins...
> Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider
> there es.
> Why, jist the other da y I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale,
> who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I
> grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em
> with my beer hends'
>
> Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
> 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on
> a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made
> a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's
> head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp.
> End I'm still here today'
>
> Colin the Scotsman remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his
> penis.
> Scotland, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
> Each
> embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
>
> The night of tales begins...
> Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider
> there es.
> Why, jist the other da y I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale,
> who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I
> grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em
> with my beer hends'
>
> Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
> 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on
> a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made
> a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's
> head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp.
> End I'm still here today'
>
> Colin the Scotsman remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his
> penis.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of
> Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
> one in turn.
> When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
> more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
> draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
>
> The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
> America, the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all
> left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
> we all drank together.'
>
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>
> The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
> way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
> from each of them in turn.
>
> One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in
> the bar notice and fall silent.
>
> When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
> says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
> condolences on your great loss.'
> The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
> eye and he laughs.
>
> 'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit
> drinking!'
> Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
> one in turn.
> When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
> more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
> draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
>
> The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
> America, the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all
> left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
> we all drank together.'
>
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>
> The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
> way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
> from each of them in turn.
>
> One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in
> the bar notice and fall silent.
>
> When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
> says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
> condolences on your great loss.'
> The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
> eye and he laughs.
>
> 'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit
> drinking!'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> > A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the
> woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his
> back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
> >
> > Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the
> cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
> >
> > 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
> >
> > 'I'm af raid I hit you with my golf ball,'
> the golfer says.
> >
> > 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye
> get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
> >
> > 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
> answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK,
> and I apologize.'
> >
> > And the golfer walks off.
> >
> > 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to
> himself.
> >
> > I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
> three things I would want...
> >
> > ...... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs,
> and a fantastic sex life.'
> >
> > A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same
> hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is
> there waiting for him.
> >
> > 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the
> little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
> >
> > 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
> I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's
> good to see you're all right.'
> >
> > 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer
> yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
> >
> > 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer
> states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100
> bills I didn't even know were there!'
> >
> > 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me,
> how's yer sex life?'
> >
> > The golfer blushes, turns his head away in
> embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
> >
> > 'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the
> Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a
> week?'
> >
> > Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
> whispers, 'Once, sometimes
> > twice a week.'
> >
> > 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
> 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
> >
> > 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure
> that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
> woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his
> back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
> >
> > Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the
> cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
> >
> > 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
> >
> > 'I'm af raid I hit you with my golf ball,'
> the golfer says.
> >
> > 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye
> get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
> >
> > 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
> answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK,
> and I apologize.'
> >
> > And the golfer walks off.
> >
> > 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to
> himself.
> >
> > I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
> three things I would want...
> >
> > ...... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs,
> and a fantastic sex life.'
> >
> > A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same
> hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is
> there waiting for him.
> >
> > 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the
> little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
> >
> > 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
> I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's
> good to see you're all right.'
> >
> > 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer
> yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
> >
> > 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer
> states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100
> bills I didn't even know were there!'
> >
> > 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me,
> how's yer sex life?'
> >
> > The golfer blushes, turns his head away in
> embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
> >
> > 'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the
> Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a
> week?'
> >
> > Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
> whispers, 'Once, sometimes
> > twice a week.'
> >
> > 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
> 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
> >
> > 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure
> that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'