Coronavirus humour

[dtaai-maai]

[sateeb]

[GroveHillWanderer]

This coronavirus situation is getting pretty bad - I ran out of toilet roll, so I'm using lettuce leaves instead. However I feel it's just the tip of the iceberg.

[sateeb]

This coronavirus situation is getting pretty bad - I ran out of toilet roll, so I'm using lettuce leaves instead. However I feel it's just the tip of the iceberg.

All Cos of bulk buyers..boom boom

[dtaai-maai]

I saw on TV this morning that retired police officers were going to be asked to return to work for the duration. When I stopped laughing, I emailed my brother-in-law, a retired PC, and asked him when he was returning to duty. He sent me the following email he had received:

FROM GARY COLLYER
This is fantastic news as I am sure all retired officers want to do their bit.

In view of the panic buying, hoarding and greed demonstrated by many of the general public there is of course a risk that we could see a repeat of this as retired officers report back for duty and we see empty shelves at headquarters and a shortage of personal equipment as a result.

In view of this I have decided to respond quickly as obviously I am keen to get back into the swing of being verbally abused, physically assaulted and talked down to by my superiors - I know my place.

By responding quickly I am hopeful that you will look kindly at reserving my ’shopping list’ as Supermarkets have consistently failed to do so.

If possible could you please reserve the following for me:

A long wheel base mobility scooter (in the event that we are double crewed although I appreciate it would be most unusual) preferably with the force badge on the chassis and it would be great if this could be sprayed cobalt blue. If a double ‘holster’ could be provided for two walking sticks it would be appreciated and a basket at the front for my flask and sandwiches.
Walking sticks x 2. I do have my own but if the force are providing them please ensure they are fitted with rubber feet as this lessens the noise when it collides with the ear of the general public which is a concern as I have Tinnitus.
Incontinence Pads. Yes please put a few dozen by for me as if its anything like toilet rolls in supermarkets then I need to get my order in quickly. I don’t know exactly what is coming for us but apparently we will all shit ourselves hence the need for incontinence pads.
I realise that you probably won’t have the stock available to issue us with tasers so I am bringing my own sturdy elastic bands and paper pellets.
Unfortunately due to government cutbacks I have not yet qualified for a bus pass. Will a senior railcard suffice?
Asthma Inhalers - I will need an induction course.
Handcuffs - shall we bring our own gaffer tape or will the force supply this?

Really excited about the 40p per month and looking at the investment opportunities for £4.80 compounded annually.

Finally this has to beat being at home for 12 weeks having my ear bent by 'er indoors' and the distinct possibility that her cooking could see me off quicker than Covid19 so your email is a lifesaver.

I can’t wait to return and counting off the days to April 1st - I’d be a fool not to!
FROM JOHN LESLIE

Ha ha ha,

What a brilliant missive,

I think that a working rest day (less than 8 days) should go to the author of this e mail, followed by a celebration (whilst on enquiries at time and a third) at a local pub. The fact that they are all currently shut should not be a barrier to the older sweats from CID.

I’ve just started bulling up a pair of black slippers in case it’s for real.
FROM KEVIN CORBY

Would love to but I can't leave Australia as we have a no fly order

FROM TERRY WRIGHT

All noted. However I have a personal note from President Macron forbidding me to leave France. In the current economic crisis, Brits are needed here to continue to support the French wine industry.

[sateeb]

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[Bamboo Grove]

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The province (Uusimaa) where I live i.e. the capital city area of Finland has been put under quarantine.

[lindosfan1]

link did not wiork

[Lost]

Not really funny, but here's as good a place as any.

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[Lost]

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[Lost]

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[HHTel]

Love the Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) quote.
Fat people beware!

[Lost]

In the grand scheme of things, this isn't a big issue. But...

I've seen a worrying decline of 'Bless you' and 'Gesundheit' when I sneeze.

Let's hope both sneeze responses return to their former glory in the future.

[migrant]

[sateeb]

Northern (English) humour at it's best.