Best of the Rest of the World

[dtaai-maai]

I don't know where this originated but it was reposted elsewhere by an Old Man with a Pen.


Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."


He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and says, "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."



Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop, too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."



Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the
legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie
jumping, den Ole parrotshooting ... and now Lars is hengliding...

Now you know about Scandahoovians.

[migrant]

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[pharvey]

Sad, but oh so very true........

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[lindosfan1]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties

[PeteC]

I don't know how many would understand that punch line? I only do as was listening to a UK nature show where they were talking about Myxomatosis which apparently is a serious and common rabbit disease in the UK, and possibly an often used term there.

Anyway, the joke was funny!

[Nereus]

Myxomatosis

Introduced in Australia to control wild rabbits when I was a kid. I remember that I was highly pissed off because I was not allowed to go out at night with a group of people from around the district to catch rabbits for injection and release. Not a very pleasant way of control I'm afraid.

https://csiropedia.csiro.au/myxomatosis ... l-rabbits/

[Lost]

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Breathe you idiot! BREATHE!

[lindosfan1]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[pharvey]

Should have gone in "The Best of Britain" with James Corden as the interviewer, but .........

Anyway, first I've seen this and must admit to enjoying it.. Lots more interviews available on Youtube - I bit like "Marmite" I guess.

[pharvey]

Getting better...

[Lost]

What's one of the worst things u can hear from your kid in the morning?

"Daddy, my fart's on the floor".

[Homer]

The Bible says Mary is the mother of Jesus, and that Jesus is the Lamb of God.

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

[pharvey]

Had this one years ago, but lost the link - thankfully it's doing the rounds again....

How to deal with cold calls!

https://famguardian.org/Subjects/Proper ... m_Mabe.mp4

Class!

[handdrummer]

Had this one years ago, but lost the link - thankfully it's doing the rounds again....

How to deal with cold calls!

https://famguardian.org/Subjects/Proper ... m_Mabe.mp4

Class!

That's brilliant, my laugh for the day.

[Nereus]

High Fire Danger:

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