An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return
her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even
a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old
Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... Dad... I became a
prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to
this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex..... and for ye
Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's
parked outside plus a membership to the golf club.... (takes a
breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board
my new yacht in the Riviera and... "
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant". Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!
The Best of Irish
Classic Terry
It's on it's way round the globe already
Mostly to my Celtic friends
One of the rules of life is you have to be able to take it as well as give it!!!
I've found since living here, (5 years now) barriers come down and if we all looked in the mirror we'd have a good laugh.
Lesson to the world really. Accept others views about religion and customs, but don't impose
Osama , Bush and Blair, take note
Cheers
It's on it's way round the globe already
Mostly to my Celtic friends
One of the rules of life is you have to be able to take it as well as give it!!!
I've found since living here, (5 years now) barriers come down and if we all looked in the mirror we'd have a good laugh.
Lesson to the world really. Accept others views about religion and customs, but don't impose
Osama , Bush and Blair, take note
Cheers
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
An Englishman and an Irishman were fierce competitors.
One day, their discussion turned to skydiving, and they began arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a aircraft and judge by the mid-air performance of their 'chutes.
The Irishman jumped first. He pulled his cord and started floating gently down toward the ground.
Then the Englishman jumped and pulled his cord. Nothing happened. He pulled his emergency cord. Still nothing.
In a matter of seconds, he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
The Irishman's jaw dropped as he watched his competitor fall. "Well, don't that just figure," he called out as he ripped off his own parachute.
"Ya can't beat me at one thing, so you go and make a race of it instead!"
One day, their discussion turned to skydiving, and they began arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a aircraft and judge by the mid-air performance of their 'chutes.
The Irishman jumped first. He pulled his cord and started floating gently down toward the ground.
Then the Englishman jumped and pulled his cord. Nothing happened. He pulled his emergency cord. Still nothing.
In a matter of seconds, he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
The Irishman's jaw dropped as he watched his competitor fall. "Well, don't that just figure," he called out as he ripped off his own parachute.
"Ya can't beat me at one thing, so you go and make a race of it instead!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
barrys
- Legend
- Posts: 2296
- Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2005 1:52 pm
- Location: Enjoying the sea air on a boat around Pak Nam Pran
Queen Elizabeth goes to Rome for an audience with the Pope.
They're standing together on the balcony overlooking a jam-packed St. Peter's square and the queen is miffed that the Pope is getting all the adulation.
So she turns to the pope and says, "Let's have a little bet."
"A liittle what??", answers the pope
"A wager", she says, "I bet that there are hundreds of thousands of my British subjects down there and with one small movement of my hand I'll have them waving and cheering me for ages."
"Alright", says the pope, "you're on".
So the queen raises her hand slightly and gives her royal wave. Sure enough, thousands upon thousands of little union jacks appear and the noise of the cheering and rejoicing is deafening.
The pope thinks for a while and then says, "I tell you what Liz, my turn for a bet now".
"What sort of a bet", asks the queen.
"Well", says the pope, "I bet there are even more Irish people down there and with one wee movement of my head I'll have them rejoicing for hours on end".
The queen thinks a bit and says, "With just one little movement of your head - ok go for it."
So the pope head butted her
They're standing together on the balcony overlooking a jam-packed St. Peter's square and the queen is miffed that the Pope is getting all the adulation.
So she turns to the pope and says, "Let's have a little bet."
"A liittle what??", answers the pope
"A wager", she says, "I bet that there are hundreds of thousands of my British subjects down there and with one small movement of my hand I'll have them waving and cheering me for ages."
"Alright", says the pope, "you're on".
So the queen raises her hand slightly and gives her royal wave. Sure enough, thousands upon thousands of little union jacks appear and the noise of the cheering and rejoicing is deafening.
The pope thinks for a while and then says, "I tell you what Liz, my turn for a bet now".
"What sort of a bet", asks the queen.
"Well", says the pope, "I bet there are even more Irish people down there and with one wee movement of my head I'll have them rejoicing for hours on end".
The queen thinks a bit and says, "With just one little movement of your head - ok go for it."
So the pope head butted her
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle , Ireland .
They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.
At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT'S NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean O'Driscoll appears. He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief,
"Fook dat, lads. Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me....
first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, .... den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding
They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.
At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT'S NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean O'Driscoll appears. He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief,
"Fook dat, lads. Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me....
first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, .... den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough officer in the office. The officer is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The officer says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Department finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"
The officer thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand ponds that I can bite my own eye."
The officer thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The officer's jaw drops.
Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye." The officer can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned officer now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the officer's desk.
The officer leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the officer asks.
"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"
The officer says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Department finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"
The officer thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand ponds that I can bite my own eye."
The officer thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The officer's jaw drops.
Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye." The officer can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned officer now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the officer's desk.
The officer leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the officer asks.
"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with
One large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are Killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with
One large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are Killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
