I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog...
(DUHHHH)
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time.
BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. ( I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, Oh NO!, I'd been sitting in the street licking my nuts when the car hit me.
I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out.
Not very funny
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10 Pounds. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10 POUNDS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10 Pounds. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10 POUNDS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
(((RING)))) (((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
* Brief Pause *
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was also scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it because he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool????"... Is this 02890 8272821 ??"
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
* Brief Pause *
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was also scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it because he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool????"... Is this 02890 8272821 ??"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office......but she belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you 100 Pounds if you let me have sex with you."
The girl said, " NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said, "Ask him for 200 Pounds, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......
She said, "The bastard used Pennies!"
Management Lesson : Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you 100 Pounds if you let me have sex with you."
The girl said, " NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said, "Ask him for 200 Pounds, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......
She said, "The bastard used Pennies!"
Management Lesson : Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
This indeed isn't very funny at all, and not a copied joke.
Our neighborhood got a new security guard tonight who I haven't met yet. I asked my partner what his name was so we could figure out what to call him, and I asked how old he was.
The reply I got was "old, about like you....". Well folks, all future posts from me will be from Shady Acres, home for dried up expats, a bit south of Nakonnowhere.
Pete 
Our neighborhood got a new security guard tonight who I haven't met yet. I asked my partner what his name was so we could figure out what to call him, and I asked how old he was.
The reply I got was "old, about like you....". Well folks, all future posts from me will be from Shady Acres, home for dried up expats, a bit south of Nakonnowhere.
Pete 
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm Just joking with you.
She's dead... What'd you shoot?"
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm Just joking with you.
She's dead... What'd you shoot?"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
elem
- Professional
- Posts: 422
- Joined: Sun Jul 23, 2006 8:32 pm
- Location: out and about in the dirty soi...
not funny..
Widdle Wabbits
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets
down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute
widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny
quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets
down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute
widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny
quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit.
A rushed marrige
A Rushed Marriage
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
An Ugly Man
An Ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you,"
replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home
last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night,
all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
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"Dunno never found the head"
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you,"
replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home
last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night,
all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
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"Dunno never found the head"
Golfing Terms
An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner
A Kate Moss - a bit thin
Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole
A Diego Maradonna - a very, very nasty little five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant – shaving the hole
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner
A Kate Moss - a bit thin
Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole
A Diego Maradonna - a very, very nasty little five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant – shaving the hole
Glenn Roeder
Glenn Roeder, the Newcastle United manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to help his team climb the league.
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
Glenn Roeder flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to St James' Park
Two weeks later Newcastle are 4-0 down to Liverpool with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Newcastle United.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in the Premiership.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says, I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".
"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"
With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Newcastle in the first place!"
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
Glenn Roeder flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to St James' Park
Two weeks later Newcastle are 4-0 down to Liverpool with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Newcastle United.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in the Premiership.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says, I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".
"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"
With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Newcastle in the first place!"
At dawn the telephone rings.
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.
Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL!"
"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up the other night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
>>> >>>SILENCE................... >>> >>>
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.
Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL!"
"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up the other night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
>>> >>>SILENCE................... >>> >>>
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"