The Best of Irish

[Nereus]

Irish Lubricant

In a little village in Ireland, Murphy’s lady had been pregnant for some time and now her time had come.
He took her to the hospital and the Doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the Doctor looked over at Murphy and said: "Hey, Murphy, you just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the Doctor spoke up and said, “hold on, we ain't finished yet!"

The Doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murphy! you got you a daughter!!!! She be a pretty lil ting, too."

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this but then the Doctor
said, "hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The Doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murphy, you just had
yourself another boy!"

Murphy said to the Doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"
The Doctor said: "You never know Murphy, it was probably something that happened during conception."

Murphy said, "Ah, oh yeah, during conception."

When Murphy and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "girl, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah darlin, I remember dat night..."

Murphy said, "I'll be telling you, girl, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"

[Big Boy]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.


I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sor!" answers Murphy.


The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: " So,Murphy, how was your day?"


Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."


"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.


"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.


"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.


"I put drops in her eyes."

[Big Boy]

Young Paddy moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Paddy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Paddy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going do with him?"

Paddy said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me .... I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made a profit of £898."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back."

Paddy now works as a personal advisor to Gordon Brown in the Treasury

[Big Boy]

http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/

[Dawebo]

F*** thats funny BB. It would be even funnier if it wasn't a hoax.

[Big Boy]

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he omes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am!"

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, oi I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?"

[Big Boy]

This incident took place in Dublin a while ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local townspeople.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him.

There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was travelling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him.

Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life.

Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel.

John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead.

Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience he just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to escape the stormy night. They, like John, were soaking wet and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, 'Look Paddy, there's that fooking idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it.'

[Big Boy]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs.. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer 'candle.'

[hhfarang]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church..

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

[Big Boy]

Paddy tells Mick that he's going to buy a labrador.

Mick says, "Don't be stupid, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[Big Boy]

Paddy shouts frantically down the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

The operator asks, "Is this her first child?"

"No" Paddy shouts, "This is her husband!"

[Big Boy]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all.

My wife won twice last week.'

[Big Boy]

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.............................The study of paintings
Bacteria.........................Back door to cafeteria
Barium...........................What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section.........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her
Colic..............................A sheep dog
Coma.............................A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................To live long
Enema............................Not a friend
Fester.............................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.............................A small lie
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane
Morbid............................A higher offer
Nitrates..........................Cheaper than day rates
Node..............................I knew it
Outpatient......................A person who has fainted
Pelvis.............................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative...............A letter carrier
Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery
Rectum...........................Nearly killed him
Secretion........................Hiding something
Seizure..........................Roman emperor
Tablet............................A small table
Terminal Illness.............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor...........................One plus one more
Urine.............................Opposite of you're out

[Big Boy]

Paddy is planning to marry, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.....

Virginity Test Kit.... A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue .

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see..."

You hit her with the shovel!!!

[Big Boy]

19 Irishmen go to the movies.

Ticket Lady asks, "Why so many of you?"

Paddy replies, "The advert for the film said over 18 only."