Best of British

[(buffalo) Bill]

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: " Sharon ."
Medic: "OK Sharon , is this your car?"
Sharon : "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon : "Romford, mate."

[(buffalo) Bill]

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Baby, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking hundreds of them!"

[(buffalo) Bill]

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon : "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon : "Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

[(buffalo) Bill]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them

[(buffalo) Bill]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ' Dad , how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they
are like onions'.

'Onions?'?

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many
kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes Through
three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, Mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but Reliable. After his 50s, it
is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

[(buffalo) Bill]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?

[Big Boy]

Six blokes go on a hunting trip.

Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.

The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'

He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'

The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.

His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'

Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

Then he sat up and watched me all night.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

: A letter to God


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job
> > was to process
> > all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a
> > letter came
> > addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual
> > address.
> > He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
> > The letter read:
> >
> > Dear God,
> > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
> > Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which
> > was all the
> > money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is
> > Christmas, and I
> > had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that
> > money, I have
> > nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and
> > you are my only
> > hope. Can you please help me?
> >
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > Edna
> >
> > The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
> > the other
> > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
> > with a few
> > pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected
> > £96, which they
> > put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the
> > day, all the
> > workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner
> > she would be able
> > to share with her friends.
> >
> > Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter
> > came from the
> > same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while
> > the letter was
> > opened. It read:
> >
> > Dear God,
> >
> > How can I e ver thank you enough for what you did for me?
> > Because of your
> > gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
> > friends.
> > We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
> > wonderful gift.
> >
> > By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those
> > bastards at the
> > Post Office.

[(buffalo) Bill]

: A letter to God


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job
> > was to process
> > all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a
> > letter came
> > addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual
> > address.
> > He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
> > The letter read:
> >
> > Dear God,
> > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
> > Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which
> > was all the
> > money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is
> > Christmas, and I
> > had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that
> > money, I have
> > nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and
> > you are my only
> > hope. Can you please help me?
> >
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > Edna
> >
> > The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
> > the other
> > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
> > with a few
> > pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected
> > £96, which they
> > put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the
> > day, all the
> > workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner
> > she would be able
> > to share with her friends.
> >
> > Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter
> > came from the
> > same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while
> > the letter was
> > opened. It read:
> >
> > Dear God,
> >
> > How can I e ver thank you enough for what you did for me?
> > Because of your
> > gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
> > friends.
> > We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
> > wonderful gift.
> >
> > By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those
> > bastards at the
> > Post Office.

[(buffalo) Bill]

No SEX since 1955


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

' 1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,


'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

[Big Boy]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Khundon1975]

I went to see the Doc as my "Best Mate" had a discharge.

Doc asked me whats the problem?

I said "I think it has a cold"

Doc replied "well I will give it 30 seconds to sneeze, if it does'nt you have the clap

[Big Boy]

A man is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides that because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto,'We love to fly and it shows'

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, ''Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f ** k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair.'

[Khundon1975]

Young lady on the street

A young priest, was walking down a street in Edinburgh late one evening, when he spotted a buxom young lady, standing on the corner, under
a street lamp.

She was tall, slim, with a mini skirt on, and her ample cleavage, was on full display.

Good evening, said the priest, what are you doing out this late in the evening?

Oh father, I'm working.

Really! Said the priest, and what do you do for a living?

Well, you could say, I'm self employed father, said the girl.

Really! Said the priest, and how is business going?

Oh father it couldn't be better, in fact, if I had another pair of legs, I would open in Glasgow.

[Khundon1975]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES



1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.





2. To avoid arguments with the wives about lifting the toilet seat, use the
sink.



3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a

few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.


4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from

rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be

so afraid to cough - - that you won't!



6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move

and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

(works for babysitting too...)



7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.



Daily thought: some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything

but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.[/b][/b]