Best of the Rest of the World

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Homer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Wed Jun 13, 2018 4:00 pm

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Homer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Wed Jun 13, 2018 4:04 pm

I got carded at the liquor store. While trying to get my ID out my old Blockbuster card fell out. The cashier laughed and said "Never mind."

I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday. He said “thanks for picking me up but how do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I replied “the odds of two serial killer’s being in the same car are statistically astronomical".

I asked my wife what women really want. She said, "Attentive lovers"... or maybe she said "a tent full of lovers" I really wasn't listening.

Vacation Health Tip: sitting in a beach pub provides more skin protection than 100 SPF sunblock...

I was eating dinner last night at a restaurant and a waiter yelled "Anyone know CPR?" I yelled out "I know the entire alphabet" and we all laughed... well except for that one guy.

I look both ways before crossing a one-way street. That’s how much faith I have left in humanity.

oakdale160
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by oakdale160 » Fri Jun 15, 2018 10:36 am

IN Thai it would be foolish if not suicidal NOT to look both ways.

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PeteC
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by PeteC » Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:11 pm

oakdale160 wrote:
Fri Jun 15, 2018 10:36 am
IN Thai it would be foolish if not suicidal NOT to look both ways.
There's one or more cities here that get a lot of visitors from right side driving countries that have signs at crosswalks saying " LOOK RIGHT >" Perhaps Hong Kong, perhaps Singapore, perhaps both and others. Here it wouldn't make much difference as you're just as likely to get hit by a motorbike driving the wrong way on the wrong side. :shock: Pete :cheers:
Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. Source

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Nereus
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:22 pm

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G' 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T? 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: ' I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question: Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mum. That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:23 pm

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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PeteC
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by PeteC » Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:25 pm

^ ^ :laugh: Good one!
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:25 pm

I guess that this is an old one, but current just now:
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbour "The seat is empty". "This is incredible" said the man "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married". "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... but couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?" The man shakes his head. "No" he says. "They're all at the funeral".
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:36 pm

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Sun Jul 15, 2018 9:52 am

Little Johnny at it again:

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Nereus
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Sun Jul 15, 2018 9:54 am

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Fri Jul 27, 2018 4:45 pm

An Irish man was walking to his local pub for his usual evening drink. As he approached he saw a nun who began to hector him with "Tink before you drink. The demon drink is the work of the devil".

The man gets a bit annoyed and decides to have a go at the nun by saying "Do you know what you're talking about. You've probably never had a drink so don't be hypocritical by shouting at us who do".

The nun looked downcast and told the man that morally he was right. The man then said "Why don't you have a drink now and then you can return to your preaching".

The nun said "Well I might try one. I hear women normally drink gin. Could you bring me out one in a cup as I don't want people to see me holding a glass".

The man continued on into the bar and said to the barman "Could I have a pint of Guinness and a double gin in a cup".

The barman replied "Is that bloody nun back again".
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by JWWhite » Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:34 am

“When people learn no tools of judgment and merely follow their hopes, the seeds of political manipulation are sown.” Stephen Jay Gould

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Big Boy » Sun Aug 05, 2018 3:05 pm

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League 1 Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Blackpool :cry: :cry:

Points 3; Position 24

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by JWWhite » Wed Aug 08, 2018 6:14 am

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“When people learn no tools of judgment and merely follow their hopes, the seeds of political manipulation are sown.” Stephen Jay Gould

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