One specifically for ancient Brits that can remember black and white TV
Bill and Ben the Flowerpot men were in bed one night
Bill turned to ben and said fliba dob floba dob
ben looked at bill and said
if you loved me you would swallow that
Best of British
3 rugby fans - a Scotland fan, an Ireland fan and an England fan were all walking home after watching a game at a Cardiff pub...
They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide to phone the police.
The Scotland fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, and took off his Blue Scotland cap and placed it over the woman's left breast.
Not to be outdone the Ireland fan, removed his Green Ireland cap and placed it over the woman's right breast. Similarly, the England fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.
Now, when the police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for questioning by the police.
They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime. The Officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes.
He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes.
Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes. For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the England fan to the point where he went up to the officer. "What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked the obviously annoyed Englishman fan.
The Welsh officer replied "It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prick under an England cap!"
They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide to phone the police.
The Scotland fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, and took off his Blue Scotland cap and placed it over the woman's left breast.
Not to be outdone the Ireland fan, removed his Green Ireland cap and placed it over the woman's right breast. Similarly, the England fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.
Now, when the police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for questioning by the police.
They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime. The Officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes.
He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes.
Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes. For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the England fan to the point where he went up to the officer. "What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked the obviously annoyed Englishman fan.
The Welsh officer replied "It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prick under an England cap!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a red football team from Liverpool.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a red football team from Liverpool.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
OK, I'll admit itBaaBaa. wrote:Unbelievable!Big Boy wrote:I had always thought it was a red football team from Liverpool.
I suppose being the most successful club in the history of British Football you are bound to attract criticism.
I did change Manchester to Liverpool just to see if you'd react 
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
I knew it. I thought you'd altered it. Man U/Manure and all that.
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire ( U.K. )
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .......................... ??!!.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:A,E,I,O and U .................................................................. ..................(What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium ..............(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport...........................(Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face .......................( Oh My God! )
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .......................... ??!!.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:A,E,I,O and U .................................................................. ..................(What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium ..............(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport...........................(Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face .......................( Oh My God! )
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
The Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
The Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called Turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby".
The little boy replied, "If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson".
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called Turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby".
The little boy replied, "If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson".
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black Suit.
Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out That the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue.
She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a Blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue Suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very Grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed gentleman of about your
Husband's' size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive Blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched their heids.
Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out That the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue.
She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a Blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue Suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very Grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed gentleman of about your
Husband's' size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive Blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched their heids.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED