Best of British

[Knocker]

Last friday, I walked into a catholic church and poured domestos all over the man taking the service.


I was arrested for 'bleach of the priest'

[JD]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, “You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.â€

[Knocker]

probably not best of british but not sure where else to post this!

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little zhits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

[Jaime]

A letter was left on the dining room table.

My Dear Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.


When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

[Guess]

How do you confuse an Englishman?

Scroll down for the answer.

[philip]

Girl goes into a dry-cleaners. "can you clean this stained dress for me " she says. "Come again ?" says the counter assistant, cupping his ear. "No, it's mayonnaise this time" !

[Knocker]

A bad Christmas joke


A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the
man quietly replied:



"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

[chelsea]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a
night.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love
tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says,"If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have even better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "kay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful But if you let me shleep for
an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.
But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right
hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell
me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right
stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she
shtole my wallet

[dr dave soul monsta]

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

-------------

THE ENGLISH VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The Brits are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting an Welsh cultural festival special from Carmarthen with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."
Moira Stuart rants in an interview with David Dimbleby that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The ant moves to France, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Ken Livingstone is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sun and The Times blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching England's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.
THE END

[dr dave soul monsta]

The husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.

The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a
tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes
around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off
her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the
woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here
Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.

[Norseman]

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.

He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

[Dangerous]

"Aim towards the Enemy." Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B 52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." Joe Gay

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." –Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

[yorkshiregraham]

Birth Control.

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next check up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

as the young doctor looked through the list his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

Mrs Smith do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills??

"Yes, they help me sleep at night"

"Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor,s knee.

Yes, dear I know that.

But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.

[yorkshiregraham]

Friendship.

Friendship Between Women.

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she slept over at a girlriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men.

A man didn't come home one night. the next day he told his wife he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

[yorkshiregraham]

Buying a picture ain't all it's cracked up to be.

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all of his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy"

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after hr husband left, she seached the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,"So that's the ugly bicth he's runnin' around with"