Best of British

[Khundon1975]

"So I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard"

[Big Boy]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

[(buffalo) Bill]

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice.


> I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.'I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she
> went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a
> good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.'
> When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

[(buffalo) Bill]

'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January..'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[(buffalo) Bill]

> Dear Employees.
>
> Due to the current financial situation caused by the
> slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a
> scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early
> retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged
> People Early).
> Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be
> eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced
> Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will
> be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering
> Retired Early Workers).
>
> A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as
> many times as Management deems appropriate.
> Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional
> Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings
> for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
> Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
> SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
> Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive
> as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
> Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it
> gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive
> enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your
> Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT
> you can handle. Sincerely,
> The Management.

[(buffalo) Bill]

Think before you speak...



Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month- old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No" ..
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!!!!!

[Big Boy]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .





She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[hhfarang]

... and he says "I'll see you next time I'm in town" to which she answers ..."I'll keep an eye out for you!"

[Big Boy]

Two men were playing golf.

One is about to chip onto the green when he sees a funeral pass the course. He stops mid swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful, touching thing I have ever seen."

"Well, we were married 35 years" he replies.

[Big Boy]

2 men were walking down the road when they saw a blind dog making love to a cabbage.

One bloke says to the other, "Poor thing, he must think it's a collie."

[Big Boy]

Freezing temperatures in the UK this week. Reports say it was so cold a black man was seen with his hands in his own pockets.

[Big Boy]

Tom had been a policeman for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you..'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

[Khundon1975]

The Zipper





As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her

skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first

step of the bus.



Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she

reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would

give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only

to discover that she couldn't.



So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to

unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the

step.



Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a

little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little

more and again was unable to take the step.



About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up

easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.



She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How

dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"



The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[(buffalo) Bill]

This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I
know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer
assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect..' Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'Well, I was just
typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went
away?' Caller: 'They disappeared.' Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen
look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's
blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in
WordPerfect, or did you get out??' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can
you see the C: prompt on the screen??' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller:
'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller: 'What's a
monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?? Caller: 'I
don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?? Caller: 'Yes, I think
so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall. Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were
behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into
the back of it, not just one??' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I
need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' [/b]Caller:
'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's
plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??' Caller: 'No.' Operator:
'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??' Caller:
'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.
'Operator: 'Dark??' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only
light I have is coming in from the window. Operator: 'Well, turn on the
office light then. 'Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not??' Caller:
'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power......... A power
failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now .Do you still have the boxes and
manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' Caller: 'Well, yes, I
keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your
system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator:
'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do
I tell them??' Operator: 'Tell them you're too f*** ing stupid to own a
computer!!!!!

[(buffalo) Bill]

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending some of us a $950 rebate.


If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money goes to China.

If we spend it on fuel it will go to the Arabs.


If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.


If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,Honduras,and Guatemala.


If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.


If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea.


And none of it will help the Australian economy.

If we put it into Telstra, it will go towards wages in India.


The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitues, gambling, wine and beer, since these are the only products
Still produced here in Australia.


Thank you for your help,


Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan.
(Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer, moving forward ! )