A man dies and he arrives at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter says "Sorry mate, can't come in here, downstairs for you."
So he goes down to hell and the Devil says "Welcome! We've been waiting for you!"
The Devil leads him down a corridor with three doors on one side and says to him "Your punishment for all eternity is to swop places with one of the people in one of the rooms."
The Devil opens the first door and there's Hitler been continually burned at the stake, surrounded by devils talking to him.
The guy says "Don't fancy that! Try the next one."
The Devil opens the second door and there's Stalin being continually stabbed with knives by devils.
The guys says "Don't fancy that! I'll try the last one."
The Devil opens the last door and there's Bill Clinton getting a blow job from Monica.
The guy says "That's not so bad, I'll take this one."
Then the Devil says "OK Monica, you can go!"
Best of British
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p?s in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p?s and this morning there were 50p?s !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
'You're simply going through the change!
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p?s in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p?s and this morning there were 50p?s !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
'You're simply going through the change!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
FAT & PINK
You have to tempt it with a fat pink british babe !
Surprising Facts
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
> She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
> She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
> front of him.
> He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
> She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
> 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
> 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
> The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we
> first met 20 years ago and started dating.? You were only 16.? Do you
> remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
> The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring
> and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
> The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
> 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
> 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
> him.
> The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in
> my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
> jail for 20 years?'
> 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
>
> He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have gotten
> out today.
> She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
> She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
> front of him.
> He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
> She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
> 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
> 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
> The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we
> first met 20 years ago and started dating.? You were only 16.? Do you
> remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
> The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring
> and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
> The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
> 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
> 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
> him.
> The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in
> my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
> jail for 20 years?'
> 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
>
> He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have gotten
> out today.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.