A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as He was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his ole fella sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my #rse'
Best of British
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them any clothes had on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the Jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them any clothes had on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the Jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
THINGS YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst !
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some !
10: Don't play with your meat !
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once ?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time !
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in ?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had !
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst !
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some !
10: Don't play with your meat !
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once ?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time !
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in ?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had !
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The pope died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. The pope died
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The pope died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. The pope died
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in atonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in atonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> CHRISTMAS PARTY
>
> FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 21st October 2008
> RE: Christmas Party
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
> at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
> We'll have a small
> band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And
> don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
> Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among
> employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
> $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
> gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special
> announcement at the Party.
> Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
> Pauline
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 22nd October 2008
> RE: Holiday Party
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
> often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same
> policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
> will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
> types of music for your enjoyment.
> Happy now?
> Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> Pauline.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 23rd October 2008
> RE: Holiday Party
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
> to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
> reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I
> supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no
> gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00
> is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO
> GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
> Pauline.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 24th October 2008
> RE: Holiday Party
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
> the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
> during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
> our Muslim employees'
> beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
> until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to
> take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
> arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the
> dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have
> to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will
> be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person
> asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will
> have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available
> for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we
> suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
> There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant
> cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
> Pauline.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All F***ing Employees
> DATE: 25th October 2008
> RE: The F****ing Holiday Party.
> Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!!
> We're going to keep this
> party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
> quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so
> quaintly put it, you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic
> tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when
> you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right
> NOW!!
> I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
> The Bitch from HELL!!!
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 26th October 2008
> RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery,
> and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
> Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
> everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
> John Benson.
>
> FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 21st October 2008
> RE: Christmas Party
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
> at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
> We'll have a small
> band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And
> don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
> Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among
> employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
> $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
> gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special
> announcement at the Party.
> Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
> Pauline
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 22nd October 2008
> RE: Holiday Party
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
> often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same
> policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
> will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
> types of music for your enjoyment.
> Happy now?
> Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> Pauline.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 23rd October 2008
> RE: Holiday Party
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
> to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
> reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I
> supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no
> gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00
> is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO
> GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
> Pauline.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 24th October 2008
> RE: Holiday Party
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
> the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
> during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
> our Muslim employees'
> beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
> until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to
> take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
> arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the
> dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have
> to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will
> be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person
> asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will
> have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available
> for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we
> suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
> There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant
> cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
> Pauline.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
> TO: All F***ing Employees
> DATE: 25th October 2008
> RE: The F****ing Holiday Party.
> Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!!
> We're going to keep this
> party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
> quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so
> quaintly put it, you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic
> tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when
> you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right
> NOW!!
> I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
> The Bitch from HELL!!!
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: 26th October 2008
> RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery,
> and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
> Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
> everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
> John Benson.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> > Old men may walk slow BUT they think F A S T
> >
> > An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large
> property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks
> where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed
> up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables
> placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
> >
> > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
> dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a
> ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he
> heard voices shouting and laughing with glee As he came closer he saw
> it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the
> women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
> >
> > One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not
> coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down
> here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam
> naked.'
> > Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
> feed the crocodile.
> >
> > An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large
> property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks
> where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed
> up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables
> placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
> >
> > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
> dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a
> ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he
> heard voices shouting and laughing with glee As he came closer he saw
> it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the
> women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
> >
> > One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not
> coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down
> here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam
> naked.'
> > Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
> feed the crocodile.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
A cop was on his horse
waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the copsaid. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the littlegirl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top
waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the copsaid. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the littlegirl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ' Dad , how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they
are like onions'.
'Onions?'?
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many
kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes Through
three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, Mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but Reliable. After his 50s, it
is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
Kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they
are like onions'.
'Onions?'?
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many
kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes Through
three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, Mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but Reliable. After his 50s, it
is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
'This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
'This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED