Best of British

[(buffalo) Bill]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

[(buffalo) Bill]

> A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses
> from a heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.
>
> The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,
> picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
>
> His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
> 'I'm dying over here and you're putting?'
>
> 'Don't worry dear,' says the husband calmly, 'they found a doctor on
> the second hole and he's coming to help you.'
>
> 'Well, how long will it take for him to get here,'
> she asks
> feebly?
>
> 'No time at all,' says her husband.
> 'Everybody's already
> agreed to let him play through.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

> It always boils down to the right mathematics.

>
The math's on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce
is: -

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?

But... Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of pomping every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot sweetness, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bi*ching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round.

All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

[(buffalo) Bill]

>> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and

>> one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
>> Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo,
>> can you see Florida ?????'

[(buffalo) Bill]

CAR TROUBLE (This one cracks me up!)
>>
>> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic

>> it died.
>>
>> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
>>
>> She says, 'What's the story?'
>>
>> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
>>
>> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

[(buffalo) Bill]

RIVER WALK
>>
>> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
>> another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
>> get to the other side?'
>>
>> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts

>> back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

>> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>>
>> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
>> that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>>
>> 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
>>
>> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
>> screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed
>> her knee and screamed; Likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed.
>> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
>>
>> The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no'

>> she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
>>
>> 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

>> KNITTING
>>
>> A highway patrol officer pulled alongside a speeding car on the
>> freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
>> behind the wheel was knitting!
>>
>> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
>> the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled,
>> 'PULL OVER!'
>>
>> 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

[(buffalo) Bill]

>> BLONDE ON THE SUN
>>
>> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
>> Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
>>
>> The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
>>
>> The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the
>> sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
>> heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the

>> Russian. To which the Blonde replied,'We're not stupid, you know. We're
>> going at night!'

[(buffalo) Bill]

>> IN A VACUUM
>>
>> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
>> She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
>> was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
>> it?'
>>
>> She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

[(buffalo) Bill]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>>
>> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
>> dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
>> saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
>> said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
>>
>> 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[(buffalo) Bill]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[(buffalo) Bill]

GRANDMA IN COURT
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
> question if they
> >>> aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
> Southern small-town
> >>> prosecuting
> >>>
> >>> attorney called his first witness, a grand
> motherly, elderly woman to
> >>> the stand.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you
> know me?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.
> Williams. I've known you
> >>>
> >>> since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
> been a big
> >>> disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
> your wife, and you
> >>> manipulate people and talk about them behind
> their backs. You think
> >>> you're a big shot when you
> >>>
> >>> haven't the brains to realize you never will
> amount to anything more
> >>> than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
> do, he pointed
> > across
> >>> the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know
> the defense attorney?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known
> Mr. Bradley since he
> > was
> >>> a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
> has a drinking problem.
> > He
> >>>
> >>> can't build a normal relationship with anyone
> and his law practice is
> >>> one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
> mention he cheated on
> > his
> >>> wife
> >>>
> >>> with three different women. One of them was your
> wife. Yes, I know
> >>> him.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The defense attorney almost died The judge asked
> both counselors to
> >>>
> >>> approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice,
> said,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'If either of you f*cking idiots asks her if she
> knows me, I'll send
> >>> you to the electric chair.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

> On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of
> wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the
> wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat further and further away.
> A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat,
> caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful
> that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him.
> The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and
> with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place
> the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and
> recounted his very exciting day to his father.
> "I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this
> horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to
> 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20
> dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!"
> "In the next race, there was a horse named 'Stetson'
> at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess
> what ... I won again!"
> "So did you bring the money home?" asked his father.
> "No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race.
> There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favorite so I bet
> everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured
> he was a sure thing."
> "You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not
> 'chateau!'" Exasperated, his father then asked, "So who won the race?"
> "A real long shot," said the son. "Some Japanese
> horse named 'Yarmulke'!"

[(buffalo) Bill]

>
> Subject: Hebrew Board of Directors
>
>
>
>
>
> Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were close friends since childhood. They
> decided they wanted to go into business together.
> Schwartz says: "OK! I'll invest $100,000."
> Cohen then says that he'll put in $200,000.
> Ginsburg says: "All right, I'll put in $50."
> Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO
> of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice
> President and CFO, and Ginsburg, for your $50 you will be our Sexual
> Adviser."
> Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is the Sexual Adviser?"
> Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."