Best of British

[Guess]

Richard, MikeD and JD,

Many thanks for the support.

[(buffalo) Bill]

> > .HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
> OWN AGE AND
> > THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
> WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
> ROOM FOR MY FIRST
> > APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> >
> > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
> SUDDENLY, I
> > REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> SAME NAME HAD
> > BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
> >
> > COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON,
> WAY BACK
> > THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED
> ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
> >
> > THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
> FACE WAS WAY TOO
> > OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
> ATTENDED MORGAN
> > PARK HIGH SCHOOL ...
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE
> GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASK ED.
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS !', I EXCLAIMED.
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
> >
> > THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS,
> GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT
> > SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,
> >
> > 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'

[(buffalo) Bill]

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
Love to a very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset!


'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to
Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce straight away!'

And he replied:


'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
Happened.


'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words
You'll say to me!'

And he began:

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
Lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
Defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
Compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
For you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
You'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while
She was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
Threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
Jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
You say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
Anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have
Good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
Don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
Bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work
Has a pair like them..'

He took a quick breath and continued:

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked
Her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said

'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't
Use?''

[(buffalo) Bill]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[(buffalo) Bill]

>> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and

>> one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
>> Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo,
>> can you see Florida ?????'
>>
>> CAR TROUBLE (This one cracks me up!)
>>
>> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic

>> it died.
>>
>> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
>>
>> She says, 'What's the story?'
>>
>> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
>>
>> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>>
>> SPEEDING TICKET
>>
>> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
>> nicely if he could see her license.
>>
>> She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act
>> together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you
>> expect me to show it to you!'
>>
>> RIVER WALK
>>
>> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
>> another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
>> get to the other side?'
>>
>> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts

>> back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>>
>> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>>
>> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
>> that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>>
>> 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
>>
>> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
>> screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed
>> her knee and screamed; Likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed.
>> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
>>
>> The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no'

>> she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
>>
>> 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>>
>> KNITTING
>>
>> A highway patrol officer pulled alongside a speeding car on the
>> freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
>> behind the wheel was knitting!
>>
>> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
>> the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled,
>> 'PULL OVER!'
>>
>> 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>>
>> BLONDE ON THE SUN
>>
>> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
>> Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
>>
>> The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
>>
>> The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the
>> sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
>> heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the

>> Russian. To which the Blonde replied,'We're not stupid, you know. We're
>> going at night!'
>>
>> IN A VACUUM
>>
>> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
>> She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
>> was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
>> it?'
>>
>> She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>>
>> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>>
>> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
>> dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
>> saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
>> said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
>>
>> 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[(buffalo) Bill]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market and lending & resellng mortgages works.

[(buffalo) Bill]

Update yourself with these new terms!



NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[(buffalo) Bill]

> > A suburban Jewish congregation honors its Rabbi for
> 25 years of
> > service
> > by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses
> paid.
> >
> > When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a
> beautiful nude woman in
> > the bed. She greets the Rabbi with, 'Hi, Rabbi,
> I'm a little
> > something extra that the President of the Temple
> arranged for you'.
> >
> > The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls
> the President
> > of the
> > Temple and shouts,
> > 'Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is
> your respect? I am the
> > moral leader of our religious community! I am very
> angry with you
> > and
> > you have not heard the end of this.'
> >
> > Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to
> get dressed.
> >
> > The Rabbi turns to her and asks, 'Where are you
> going? I'm not
> > angry
> > with you."

[(buffalo) Bill]

> THE 10 COMMANDMENTS -
>
>
> Ten Commandments of Marriage ....
>
> Commandment 1.
> Marriages are made in heaven.
>
> But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
> Commandment 2.
> If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every
> word you say,
>
> talk in your sleep.
> Commandment 3.
>
> Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand !
> Commandment 4.
> Married life is very frustrating.
> In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
> In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
> In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
>
> Commandment 5.
> When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
> one
> thing:
> Either the car is new or the wife is.
>
> Commandment 6.
> Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
>
> The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
> Commandment 7.
> Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
> something you say.
> After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
>
>
> Commandment 8.
> Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
> and a good cook.
>
> But the law allows only one wife. (unless you are a
> Muslim!)
> Commandment 9.
> Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
>
> That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
> Commandment 10.
> A man is incomplete until he is married.
> After that, he is finished.
>
>
>
> Bonus Marriage story
> A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over,
> made a wish and threw in a penny.
> Thehusband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much,
> fell
> into the well, and drowned.
> The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

[(buffalo) Bill]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian D icks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven D icks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[(buffalo) Bill]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing...

So they buried Debbie.

[(buffalo) Bill]

> > Why We Love Children
> >
> > 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd
> found a cat, but it
> > was dead.
> >
> > 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she
> asked her pupil.
> >
> > 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't
> move,' answered the child
> > innocently.
> >
> > 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in
> surprise.
> >
> > 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned
> over and went 'Pssst' and
> > it didn't move'
> >
> > 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
> >
> > Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
> > 'What?'
> > 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of
> water?'
> > 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
> >
> > Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
> > 'WHAT?'
> > 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of
> water??'
> >
> > ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have
> to smack you!!'
> >
> > Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
> > 'WHAT!'
> > 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a
> drink of water?'
> >
> >
> > 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
> into mischief,
> > finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into
> Heaven?'
> >
> > The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll
> run in and out and in
> > and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
> says, 'For Heaven's
> > sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
> >>
> >
> > 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
> my three year
> > old came into the room when I was just getting ready
> to get into the
> > shower.
> > She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
> > I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby
> growing in her
> > tummy.'
> > 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing
> in your bum?'
> >
> >
> > 7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
> >
> > He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a
> bitch is seven.
> >
> > Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
> > His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
> 'What are you doing?'
> >
> > The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math
> homework, Mum.'
> >
> > 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do
> it?' the mother asked
> >
> > 'Yes,' he answered.
> >
> > Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
> 'What are you
> > teaching my son in math?'
> >
> > The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning
> addition.'
> > The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to
> say two plus two, that
> > son of a bitch is four?'
> >
> > After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
> 'What I taught them
> > was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
> >
> >
> > 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the
> story of Chicken
> > Little to her class. She came to the part of the story
> where Chicken
> > Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '...
> and so Chicken Little
> > went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is
> falling, the sky is
> > falling!'
> >
> > The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what
> do you think that
> > farmer said?'
> >
> > One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think
> he said:
> >
> > 'Holy S**t! A talking chicken!''
> > The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
> minutes.
> >
> >
> > 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would
> reply, I'm Mr.
> > Sugarbrown's daughter.'
> >
> > Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
> 'I'm Jane
> > Sugarbrown.'
> >
> > The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
> 'Aren't you Mr.
> > Sugarbrown's daughter?'
> >
> > She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says
> I'm not.'

> >
> > 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
> father.
> >
> > She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad
> gets his hair cut,
> > eating a snack cake
> >
> > The barber says to her,
> >
> > 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
> muffin.'
> > She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get
> boobs too.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions'to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the mostriveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know whatyour Ass hole is doing while you're
> having an orgasm?'
>
She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.

[(buffalo) Bill]

> Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill... (that was then, this is
> now)
>
>
> Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for
> a little fireside chat......
>
> He said "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
> honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother,
> and said,
>
> 'Here, try these on.'
>
> "So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'
>
> "I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
> will.'
>
> "Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
>
> "Hmm, "said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So on
> his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here try
> these on."
>
> So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
>
> Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
> will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
>
> Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here,
> you
>
> try on mine."
>
> So he did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
>
> Jill said, "Exactly.. And if you don't change your smart ass
> attitude, you never will."

[(buffalo) Bill]

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street
when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping
instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,'
the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon
instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked.
'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up wine, shopping, and hair appointments.'