Did you leave kids behind to come here?

General chat about life in the Land Of Smiles. Discuss expat life, relationship issues and all things generally Thailand and Asia related.
User avatar
Lost
Specialist
Specialist
Posts: 129
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:16 pm

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by Lost » Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:32 am

They can and do come to see us in person. Each visit is more of an occasion than popping round for a cup of tea. I keep planning to visit in the UK but every time I mention it, I'm talked out of it as they would rather come here to see me than the other way round.
Now I don't want to get too personal but this thread was kind of based around teenagers being left/forgotten/abandoned and you did mention an 18 yr old daughter that left for the uk. You say you get talked out of visiting uk as they prefer to come see you. In those 2 years between 18 year old and 20, how many times has your daughter been able to afford the expensive return flight to Thailand to come see you?

HHTel
Rock Star
Rock Star
Posts: 3857
Joined: Mon Feb 12, 2007 7:44 pm

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by HHTel » Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:35 am

Twice

User avatar
Lost
Specialist
Specialist
Posts: 129
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:16 pm

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by Lost » Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:44 am

HHTel wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:35 am
Twice
:D

Good on her then. She obviously does far better than most teenagers. A self funded trip to SE Asia each year is something many older adults would struggle with.

She'll go far.

:cheers:

oakdale160
Rock Star
Rock Star
Posts: 3700
Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 9:51 pm

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by oakdale160 » Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 am

This maybe slightly off topic, I hope not.I am amazed at the number of parents in their retirement years are still helping financially to support their grown children. I know one 70+ guy here who is paying part of the mortgages on his 2 children's houses in the UK, One is 40+, the other late thirties.

User avatar
Lost
Specialist
Specialist
Posts: 129
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:16 pm

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by Lost » Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:23 am

oakdale160 wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 am
This maybe slightly off topic, I hope not.I am amazed at the number of parents in their retirement years are still helping financially to support their grown children. I know one 70+ guy here who is paying part of the mortgages on his 2 children's houses in the UK, One is 40+, the other late thirties.
As a parent, at the very least, I believe our offspring should be safe in the knowledge that, whatever happens, they have a home. When I'm gone, mine will have a home. When mine are gone, theirs will have a home. And so on and so on.

The Thai people do it this way. The house belongs to each and every member of the family. It's not for sale - it's to be passed down to the next generation.

Unless you are a western man and put it in the Thai wifes name? Your kids aint getting nothing now - that there house belongs to Thai wife and her family. :wink:

Edit: Shortened waffle :D

User avatar
barrys
Legend
Legend
Posts: 2137
Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2005 1:52 pm
Location: Enjoying the sea air on a boat around Pak Nam Pran

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by barrys » Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:04 pm

oakdale160 wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 am
This maybe slightly off topic, I hope not.I am amazed at the number of parents in their retirement years are still helping financially to support their grown children. I know one 70+ guy here who is paying part of the mortgages on his 2 children's houses in the UK, One is 40+, the other late thirties.
That sound pretty sensible to me. It's like giving them (part of) their inheritance early on for something useful and probably avoiding inheritance tax at the same time.

User avatar
Blacky
Specialist
Specialist
Posts: 178
Joined: Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:21 pm
Location: Hua Hin

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by Blacky » Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:26 pm

Once you decide to have children, it ideally should be a pact for life. Age (of your offspring) doesn't really matter, they will always be your children. Now they have to learn how to fly by themselves, however being a parent is a responsibility that goes beyond post graduation age. I don't necessary mean financial support, but more the function of guidance and being there if they need support.

This is not in anyway pointed at any of the above posts, just my two penny worth...

Cheers,
B.
_____________________________________________________________________
I believe that everyone else my age is an adult whereas I am merely in disguise

JWWhite
Specialist
Specialist
Posts: 249
Joined: Thu Sep 07, 2017 7:38 pm

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by JWWhite » Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:41 pm

Many guys who come here are divorced and have left family behind, and then they go and get married to a Thai woman who has a family, that has been deserted by a Thai man.
“When people learn no tools of judgment and merely follow their hopes, the seeds of political manipulation are sown.” Stephen Jay Gould

HHTel
Rock Star
Rock Star
Posts: 3857
Joined: Mon Feb 12, 2007 7:44 pm

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by HHTel » Fri Aug 10, 2018 1:15 pm

I taught at a university in Petchaburi for a couple of years. I saw 21 and 22 year olds being treated as children. They were always fascinated listening to some my past life. Some of them, even at that age, had never even been to Bangkok. There have been incidents in the past where a student has won a scholarship abroad, usually the US, and have committed suicide. Why? Because they were ill prepared to handle the freedoms and having to make decisions for themselves. Because they are treated like children here, they remain children way past childhood.

As already said, my 20 year old has been in London for a couple of years and is building her own life. My son, who spent 12 years here, now can't believe he stayed that long. He's back in the UK, standing on his own two feet despite not having a great job.

My other 'abandoned' daughter is now quite senior in HR on a salary of 56K + expenses + bonuses and is in a position to call the shots. So far this year, she's had a holiday here, an African safari and she'll be back here in October.

Yes, we have a responsibility to our children but that stops at controlling their lives. When they have grown their wings, you have to let them fly. Even encouraging them to do so. Otherwise you are holding them back and 'stunting their growth'.

As a parent, I'm always there for advice, support and encouragement when needed. And of course there to 'pick up the pieces' should it all go wrong.

Everyone has their own views on parenting. This is just my view.

User avatar
Bamboo Grove
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 5023
Joined: Mon Jan 13, 2003 12:59 pm
Location: So Far From The Bamboo Grove

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by Bamboo Grove » Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:33 pm

I arrived in Thailand when I was 29 and had no family in Finland. Started up a family while living in Bangkok in the late 90's. We have now been in Finland more than 10 years and they are all (including the missus) to live here. Kids are 20 now and the other one is not even keen to visit Thailand, too hot for her, she says.
So Far From The Bamboo Grove
http://bamboogrovestories.blogspot.com/

User avatar
Blacky
Specialist
Specialist
Posts: 178
Joined: Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:21 pm
Location: Hua Hin

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by Blacky » Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:36 pm

HHTel wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 1:15 pm

Yes, we have a responsibility to our children but that stops at controlling their lives. When they have grown their wings, you have to let them fly. Even encouraging them to do so. Otherwise you are holding them back and 'stunting their growth'.

As a parent, I'm always there for advice, support and encouragement when needed. And of course there to 'pick up the pieces' should it all go wrong.

Everyone has their own views on parenting. This is just my view.
:agree:
_____________________________________________________________________
I believe that everyone else my age is an adult whereas I am merely in disguise

MDMK
Guru
Guru
Posts: 867
Joined: Tue Sep 27, 2016 1:55 am

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by MDMK » Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:01 pm

oakdale160 wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 am
This maybe slightly off topic, I hope not.I am amazed at the number of parents in their retirement years are still helping financially to support their grown children. I know one 70+ guy here who is paying part of the mortgages on his 2 children's houses in the UK, One is 40+, the other late thirties.
If your point was off-topic, then my response will be too :oops: ... here's hoping

What you mention is not uncommon and has probably got a lot to do with the property markets then and now. The killing the older generation made on the property market, and the trouble the younger generation have getting on to the property ladder at all now.

Basically the growth in house prices have far outstripped the growth in wages in parts of the UK.

Say a couple married in 1982, she a teacher, he in the ambulance service, they lived in a London burgh. They bought a 3 bed semi, 100% mortgage, and they could afford that easily enough from their 2 salaries, no need to save for a deposit as 100% mortgages were easy to get. Property market was on the up, so they moved twice in the following 20yrs to bigger and better properties. If they downsize now, they have a real nice big fat profit.

Nowadays with the price of the average first time buyers house in London being just under half a million pounds and a teacher earning roughly around GBP25,000pa in the beginning of their career, the younger generation are effectively shut out of the property market. Public service workers like police, health care professionals, teachers etc simply can’t afford to buy, and the rent they are paying n the meantime is so high they can’t even save. This in not just London by the way, whole swathes of the south of England it’s similar.

Whereas their mum & dads who bought back in the 80s, and are now in their 60s and downsizing are in many cases loaded as they have made a killing on the property market. Many of these people do finance their kids to allow them to buy a house, as without parental help they would never be able to buy. I would imagine your friend, the retiree in his 70s, falls into this category.

It was far far far easier back in the 80s to be in your 20s, even in average wage jobs, to be able to buy a house. Now the younger generation, even the highly paid ones, find it nigh on impossible to get on the property ladder. Huge deposits and huge house prices hold them back. "Bank of Mum & Dad" is a saying you hear all the time now, as so many youngsters would never have been able to buy without the help of their parents.

Note... some part so the UK the house prices have been far more "normal" and house prices gone up in line with wages. It's just where the house prices have gone through the roof that you see our generation helping with deposits and repayments for our adult children.

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 32856
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 7:36 pm
Location: Bon Kai

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by Big Boy » Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:14 pm

Our son had left home, living with his girlfriend. Had a crap job, but had passed everything, and was waiting to become a police officer. We were going to leave him behind with his blessing.

4 months before we left, it all went wrong for him. He split up with his girlfriend, and there was a nationwide moratorium on police recruitment - not due to be lifted for at least 5 years.

He decided he'd move with us to Thailand. He admits, in the back of his mind it would be for 6 to 12 months. He loves it here, and I don't think he has any intentions of going back.

So, in answer to the OP, almost.
League 1 Oxford 1 - 0 Plymouth Argyle :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 7; Position 24

handdrummer
Ace
Ace
Posts: 1384
Joined: Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:58 am

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by handdrummer » Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:13 pm

Lost wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:44 am
handdrummer wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 1:58 am
Depends on the child and their relationship with their parent(s). I was out the door at 18 and never went back. There's no one size fits all. At this point it's way too late if that was a good idea or not but I did well.
Completely agree that some kids set off by themselves in those years. 15 or 16 even. But handrummer, were you forced to fend for yourself? Was it a sink or swim situation given by your parents? Did your parents then leave to another country?

Or did you decide to leave the family home yourself at 18 with parents still around? Big difference. Some kids aren't ready to leave at that age. Every kid should be given a choice if they want to be independent or not at that age. They also deserve their parents to be 'around' should things turn south.

:cheers:
I decided to leave. I lived with my mother, stepfather & mother's sister in a small apartment. I wanted out. I'd been working as a musician & self-supporting since I was 16 and didn't need or want parental supervision or having to answer their questions about where, when, why, etc. I started working at the age of 10 and was very independent. I just didn't need parents. We had nothing in common and they weren't really interested in me. They had their life and I had mine. When I was 22 I lived with an English family between Canterbury and Dover. They had a 16yr. old son at home and another who visited quite often. They were a close family and encouraged their son in whatever he was interested in and shared those interests with him. After a few months there I thought, oh, this is what a family is, I like this. Of course one can't go back in time but I realized what I had missed. My childhood was very complicated and my family was dysfunctional, I'm still glad I got out when I did. I don't blame them for my failures nor credit them for my successes.

User avatar
joelle
Professional
Professional
Posts: 317
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2012 11:44 am
Location: ban kwai

Re: Did you leave kids behind to come here?

Post by joelle » Sat Aug 11, 2018 7:12 am

Lost wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 1:36 am
I begin this thread as it became worryingly apparent, after speaking with many expats, that there are a fair few who ditched kids in order to start a new life (or begin early retirement) here in the land of smiles.

Most of the people I know in this case left behind teenagers, usually to stay with their mum after a break-up, came here, settled with a Thai wife then had new kids of their own. I was raised to understand that a parents' duty (regardless of divorce) doesn't stop until the child has been put through education, has a means of making money and maybe a new family to start for themselves. I was fortunate my parents thought along these lines and allowed me to stay in the family home until I was 24 and ready to start a new life; financially, mentally and with a decent education to prop me up.

Is it selfish for a parent to leave teenage kids (or younger) without their mother/father around simply to benefit themselves... so they can start a new life abroad ? Or am I just old fashioned?

In my humble opinion, a child is still but a child until they reach 21/22. Early twenties, yeah, encourage their ass to be out of the house earning money on their own. But earlier? Nah. A child that age needs their parents around, together or not.

What are your thoughts?

:cheers:
although I agree with some of your opinions you cannot judge and say that it is selfish or not, if a parent leaves everybody and everything behind there might be a good reason for it and you don't know the whole story behind it as a lot of people don't brag about it, it might have been as a last choice or or ….
also bear in mind different countries, different culture, different mentality, different behaviour, different upbringing

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests