Best of the Rest of the World

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migrant
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by migrant » Thu Nov 16, 2017 7:21 am

I think Pete, and,or I, have posted this in the past but since it is that time of the year I always enjoy revisiting this.

The essence of life lies with the dispensing with of formalities

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by PeteC » Thu Nov 16, 2017 11:38 am

Yes, it never gets old for those of us who saw the original show. :D Pete :cheers:
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by migrant » Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:09 am

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The essence of life lies with the dispensing with of formalities

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Dannie Boy » Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:37 am

migrant wrote:
Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:09 am
11987176_10153608918672744_4676339489498986837_n.jpg
Must have heard some pretty bad jokes then!!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by migrant » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:30 am

Dannie Boy wrote:
Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:37 am
migrant wrote:
Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:09 am
11987176_10153608918672744_4676339489498986837_n.jpg
Must have heard some pretty bad jokes then!!
LOL, the sentence was stuck in there although I have to admit I like it!!
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Big Boy » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:36 am

I had read that at least 2 dozen times before the punch line sunk in. Must be having a sense of humour failure :cry:
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Wed Dec 06, 2017 4:08 pm

An old one, but something to look forward to:
.................................................................................................................

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Wed Dec 06, 2017 4:33 pm

A woman walks into the pet store looking for a new pet.
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 ONO. Curious, the lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why is this beautiful parrot so cheap?"
The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."

The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is:

"Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking, CAWWWWW." The lady finds it amusing.

Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New hookers in the house, business will be booming tonight, CAWWWWWW." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.

A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says:

"Good evening Steven!"

...........................................................................................
Trump, Putin and Merkel are walking along the boardwalk discussing politics.
As is the case with politicians, conversation invariably degraded to one-upmanship about how great their countries are.

Putin boasts: "Mother Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two veeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty good, eh comrades?"

Trump, not the kind of person to be outdone by the Russians, tells Putin: "America has submarines... and other stuff too, I'm telling you, lots of stuff… and it's great, bigly stuff, and our submarines can stay underwater, and also, they don't need to come back up to the surface or resurface, for TWO months- because I made them, and our navy, great again!"

Merkel is just about to change the topic to something more sensible when suddenly a submarine resurfaces in the ocean beside the boardwalk.
The hatch opens and a man salutes out of it: "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Tue Jan 16, 2018 7:41 am

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by hhfarang » Wed Jan 17, 2018 2:23 am

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my flask and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
My brain is like an Internet browser; 12 tabs are open and 5 of them are not responding, there's a GIF playing in an endless loop,... and where is that annoying music coming from?

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by migrant » Wed Jan 24, 2018 9:52 am

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The essence of life lies with the dispensing with of formalities

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Thu Jan 25, 2018 5:54 pm

A tourist is chatting with the desk clerk as he checks into the hotel. He says "I don't know if this is a problem with Australians, but I'd like to try eating kangaroo. Is it easy to find.?" She says it's easy. It's not a problem with us. It's low in fat, high in nutrition and it helps solve an ecological problem. Tourist asks what problem is that. She explains the settlers killed off most of the kangaroo's natural predators, so there are far too many 'roos. "What were the predators?" asks the Tourist. "Aborigines", she replies.

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by migrant » Fri Feb 23, 2018 6:37 am

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The essence of life lies with the dispensing with of formalities

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Mon Apr 02, 2018 4:02 pm

Some Brits were discussing who their favorite queen was. I didn't want to feel left out of the conversation so I said my favorites were Dairy, Dancing, and of Hearts.

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by pharvey » Wed May 09, 2018 7:15 pm

Square Testicles
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'


:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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