Best of the Rest of the World

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Feb 09, 2016 1:34 pm

ARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected.

Apparently, Winston Churchill loved them.

Some here:-

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.

8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency', notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.

11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.

15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

17. I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

18. Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Feb 09, 2016 1:37 pm

Clever flight attendant

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out of the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
And big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes
because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you."

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Feb 09, 2016 1:39 pm

THE OLD JEWISH MAN

Ahhhhh the wisdom of the ages.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel , Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a brick wall."

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Dannie Boy » Wed Feb 10, 2016 11:55 am

YOU WILL HAVE DEFINITELY GAINED SOME EXTRA KNOWLEDGE AFTER YOU FINISH READING THIS MAIL.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, But our nose and ears never stop growing.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
Uses every letter of the alphabet.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak', and 'level'
Are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

TYPEWRITER nis the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

= = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A snail can sleep for three years.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Almonds are a member of the peach family.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have had a full moon.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The cruise liner, QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

There are more chickens than people in the world.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Now you know (a little) more than you did before!!
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Dannie Boy » Wed Feb 10, 2016 12:00 pm

This was obviously circulated last year,

In 1915 EITHER YOUR PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS WERE LIVING DURING THIS TIME PERIOD.


The year is 1915 “One hundred years ago”. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1915:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for cars was sold in chemists only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bath. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average British wage in 1915 was £15 per year!

A competent accountant could expect to earn £800 per year; A dentist £900 per year.

A Vet between £600 and £900 per year. And, a mechanical engineer about £2000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at home. Ninety percent of all Doctors had no university education!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost two pence a pound. Eggs were 10 pence a dozen. Coffee was five pence a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3.Diarrhoea 4. Heart disease 5.Stroke.

The American flag had 45 stars. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother's Day nor a Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and, only 6 percent of all British pupils went to university.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner chemists.

Back then chemists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!" (Shocking?)

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help...

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.! In 2014 this figure had risen to 14,249.

In the UK the murder rate in 1915 was 1420. In 2015 it was 537. (Perhaps we are doing something right!)

I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.

From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD all in a matter of seconds! Can you imagine what it may be like in another 100 years?

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by PeteC » Wed Feb 10, 2016 12:23 pm

^.....and in 1915 the world human population was 1.8 billion, .2 billion beneath the ideal for the planet of 2.0. In 2015 it was 7.349 billion. :(
Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. Source

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Chazz14 » Wed Feb 10, 2016 10:27 pm

(Addto OP)...

11a. - Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is his wife.
“I don't see why there should be a point where everyone decides you're too old. I'm not too old, and until I decide I'm too old I'll never be too f***ing old.”
― Lemmy Kilmister

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A bad day in the office

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Feb 23, 2016 6:09 pm

Apparently, a real story!


Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

~Hi Sharon,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Remember, too: It was also a BAD DAY for the jellyfish!

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Bluesky » Tue Feb 23, 2016 9:30 pm

Understanding Engineers 1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers 2


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers 3


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.


The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers 4


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers 5


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?


(I am so loving this one).

Understanding Engineers 6


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers 7


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers 8


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."




And Finally


Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a shifter from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Parliament.
'Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way they ask for directions'. -Winston Churchill-

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Mar 03, 2016 5:59 pm

A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says; “sure why not. Show me to the vacuum.



Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it”?



Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”. “Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did

Click here
...https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblf ... er_dvd.mp4

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Fri Mar 04, 2016 11:54 am

The rich have different problems than you and me.

Lydia Hearst is a supermodel and the great-granddaughter of the media mogul who built Hearst Castle. She was born with a silver spoon in her mouth in rural Connecticut close to New York City. Martha Steward built a media company showing decorators in such areas how to live graciously using an aesthetic harmonious with their environment.

Lydia is now engaged and living in Los Angeles. Her fiance, who works in the entertainment industry, is super-busy because most of what he tries succeeds and needs his continual involvement. He finds one day his next will be free. She has to work. He asks her to cancel. She says she can't because it's for Martha Steward. "So what?" he says. Lydia replies "She baked me cookies when I was young."

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by pharvey » Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:41 pm

Got to love them!! : -


12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio 

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator – 
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – 
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – 
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator – 
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' 
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.



:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by arcadianagain » Fri Mar 18, 2016 3:05 pm

Or he cricket commentator, Brian Johnson I think, "The bowler`s Holding the batsman`s Willey"

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Fri Mar 18, 2016 7:19 pm

It had to happen sooner or later: The first R rated* computer generated animation movie. A comedy, of course.



* Restricted. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by hhfarang » Fri Mar 18, 2016 10:25 pm

^^^ Number 3 made me laugh out loud!

I always heard the the dirtiest line on U.S. TV in the 50's (very G rated then, husbands and wives had to be shown sleeping in twin beds) was when June Cleaver said to her husband Ward; "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.", in the family show "Leave it to Beaver".
My brain is like an Internet browser; 12 tabs are open and 5 of them are not responding, there's a GIF playing in an endless loop,... and where is that annoying music coming from?

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