Best of the Rest of the World

[(buffalo) Bill]

--------------------- Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and
> has some tests run.
>
> The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around
> the bush.. You have AIDS.'
>
> Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
>
> Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched
> in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box
> of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'
>
> Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
>
> Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
> what your arse is for.

[(buffalo) Bill]

> Postman Pat's Last Day:
>
> It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
> the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
>
> When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
> whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him
> on his way with a cheque for £50.
>
> At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
>
> The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
> whisky.
>
> At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
> lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
> bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
> ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a
> full English breakfast:
> Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As
> she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note
> sticking out from under the cup.
>
> 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the
> five quid for?'
>
> 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that
> today would be your last day and that we should do something special
> for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you’.
>
>
> He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'
>
> She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[Vital Spark]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darnit, he's a
maverick!

BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road

HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR! so that he can just
drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,
but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will
be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

VS

[(buffalo) Bill]

>
> Buffalo = Farang
>
>
>
> The Bargirls Ten Commandments, 2008
>
> 1. Determine if the buffalo lives and / or works in Thailand. If he
> does, attempt to seal the deal quickly. There is very little chance
> that we will be able to put our hands in his wallet other than for
> this one off transaction. He knows too much and will be a hard
> target.
> He might even
> have good contacts if we trick him, deceive him or steal from him so
> unless he is exceptionally handsome and / or rich, try and get him to
> go short time and then return to the bar to fiund a tourist. Tourists
> are the more profitable customers when they go back to their country
> than one off customers - who are also more work! Further, if he has a
> cheap necktie, scuffed and unpolished cheap leather shoes, is wearing
> white socks with business trousers and leather shoes or simply seems
> reluctant to buy you a drink, ask him if he is an English teacher. If
> he is, forget giving him the respect we give to Thai ajarns and move
> on to the next customer. English teachers earn in a month what we
> earn in a week so there are no exceptions!
>
> 2. Give your phone number and email address to every customer (except
> English teachers because they will call and email you incessantly
> looking for free boom boom). Even the buffalo who smells bad, the
> buffalo with the hairy back and the buffalo who refused to shower
> should be given your contact details. Encourage him to contact you
> when he returns to his country. When he does, the internet cafe
> manager can write you an email explaining why he should send you some
> money - sick buffalo, ill parent or sibling, tsunami etc. And don't
> worry, you're not lying so this is not bad karma. All of these things
> happen, they just may not be happening right now. If he is Khun Jai
> Dee he will send 20,000 baht or more. Mr. Keeneow will send less and
> lie about the US dollar being weak.
> It's not. It's
> still green like before. We have seen it and it hasn't changed.
> Liars!
> Never give up. Email him every month. If after 6 months he has not
> sent you money, tell him it is your birthday in a few days.
> They all fall for
> that but it is usually something miserable like 5,000 baht.
> Cheap bastards.
>
> 3. Always tell the buffaloes that Thai men are no good.
> "Thai man no good"
> should be said to every customer. They hear it enough and they
> believe it.
> If the buffalo ever sees you with your pua (husband, coarse
> Thai) dropping
> you off to work on his motorbike or eating noodle soup after you have
> done a short time, just say it is your brother.
>
> 4. If you're aged under 25 then get you hair dyed blonde, orange or
> other bright colour and apply for a job at a bar popular with
> Japanese. Baccarra in Soi Cowboy and Rainbow 2 and Rainbow 4 in Nana
> Plaza are good choices.
> The Japanese customers are the best because of the rule of 4s (4
> inches, 4 minutes, 4,000 baht). But remember that you have to make as
> much as you can from them now because they are different to the
> buffaloes and seldom send money when they go home. Anyway, their
> English sucks, yeah it is even worse than ours, so don't bother giving
> them any contact details.
>
> 5. There are many bad men who try to stop us making money from the
> buffalo.
> They have names like Vincent Calvino and they tell our buffalo where
> we go and what we do. Be careful of the man who asks many questions,
> buys lots of drinks but does not barfine us. He is the devil. Also,
> be careful of men who take your photo with digital cameras. They put
> it in the internet and now everyone can see us. If a buffalo is
> sending you money and he sees your photo on the internet then maybe he
> will stop!
>
> 6. The buffaloes roo mark (know too much) these days.
> Thai language
> schools are becoming as ubiquitous as 7 Eleven stores and even some
> guys who come for a holiday speak decent Thai. They are devious,
> these foreign buffaloes, and they listen to what we are saying and
> pretend they do not understand. How dare they?! When we talk
> together use Lao or Khmer dialects because the buffalo are always
> looking to trick us, the devils.
> But be careful, some of them even understand those dialects. The
> buffaloes get trickier all the time.
>
> 7. If you meet a rich, generous buffalo, invite him to your village.
> Make sure the whole village knows that there will be a welcome dinner
> when he arrives and everyone is invited. He will pay. Make sure you
> negotiate a 10% commission with the restaurant before you go.
> Don't let him stay in a
> hotel but in the family house. Let him see and feel what a
> traditional Thai home feels like. He will take pity on us and if we
> play it right, he will offer to build us a new house. Send your pua
> to a neighbour's house for a few days but if they will not take him,
> introduce him as your brother. If you already have a house built by
> one buffalo, go to an aunty or uncle's house and introduce them as
> your family. The same rules apply. If you are good, you might get
> two houses or more...!
>
> 8. Locate all of the offices for Western Union and Moneygram.
> Collect their free leaflets and give to the buffalo so they know how
> to send us money. Open different bank accounts and always have one
> bank account book with you at all times with a balance under 1,000
> baht.
> Update it frequently
> so it looks like it is your main account. The book for the account
> that has most of your money must be hidden and the buffalo must never
> ever see it.
> We know the buffalo aren't aren't clever so we have to make it easy
> for them.
>
> 9. Join "the 3 AM Club". Every bar has a 3 AM club which comprises a
> bunch of the younger girls in the bar. Befriend them and make sure
> that you have their phone number stored in your phone. If they have
> gone with a customer, call them at 3 AM and tell them where you are.
> When the phone rings they will be with a buffalo and can make an
> excuse to leave.
> "My friend lost key
> for loom." "Mother come from province to visit me." "Baby is sick
> and must go to barn nok to take care." They will come and meet you
> and you can now go and play cards for the money you made tonight, or
> go as a group and a hire a nice hard-bodied Thai boy for the night, or
> if you have a boyfriend or husband, go to him. Don't worry about the
> buffalo you're with in the hotel loom. Whatever was agreed earlier
> with the buffalo doesn't matter.
> Tell him you must go and that you will collect money for long time
> service.
> If he protests, start screaming and yelling at him.
> Threaten to smash his
> laptop or camera. Tell him you will go to the police. If there is a
> balcony, threaten to jump off. Only a few minutes yelling and
> screaming is the difference between 1,500 and 3,000 baht.
>
> 10. Have two mobile phones and make sure one is an older, cheap
> model.
> Make sure the buffalo only sees the cheap one. If he forces you to go
> long time, give him the morning sessions of his life and then take him
> straight to MBK. After you have eaten (order as much as you can and
> take the bulk home to eat that evening), take him to level 4 where all
> of the mobile phone vendors are. Find the newest most expensive phone
> you can and stare at it.
> Make sure he sees some tears in your eyes and don't leave until he
> buys it for you. If he resists, start crying. The buffaloes do
> anything when we cry. If he buys mobile phone, stay with him and a
> few days later take him to a gold shop. Repeat the steps until he
> buys the gold.
> Take both to the
> pawn shop and sell them as soon as he leaves

[(buffalo) Bill]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says 'Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

[(buffalo) Bill]

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a Pig I said, 'You're not fucking listening'

[(buffalo) Bill]

Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.

[(buffalo) Bill]

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual 'get this out of me, give me drugs'
She turns to her boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually,
'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful''

[(buffalo) Bill]

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what they are made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant says ' Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

A car bomb was found outside a Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic, as they have managed to push it inside.

[(buffalo) Bill]

> READ TO THE VERY END
>
> This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
> make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
> his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a
> lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
> point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy
> explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
> didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
> was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
> 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy' s office with some written instructions,
> and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
> which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
> I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
> to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
> America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around
> being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
> began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
> didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
> chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
> flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You
> mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic
> jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
> unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32
> gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
> about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
> kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
> just a hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you
> drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
> result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
> jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the
> ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
> too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
> launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
> you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
> commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
> much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
> eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be
> totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep,
> at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
> into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
> even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
> nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
> had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
> spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
> Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
> like that? Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that
> I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
> forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
> colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
> space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
> hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
> that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
> than when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
> my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
> was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also
> told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
> first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is,
> but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
> too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
> around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
> to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but
> I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
> seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
> my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking
> something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
> playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
> of all the songs that could be playing during this
> particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
> least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
> was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
> decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
> am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
> was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
> moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat
> of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in
> the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
> looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
> excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
> that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with
> flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal
> organ.
>
> ABOUT THE WRITER
>
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for
> the Miami Herald.
>
> On the subject of Colonoscopies...
>
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
> exam were quite humourous..... A physician claimed that the
> following are actual comments made by his patients
> (predominately male) while he was performing their
> colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> And the best one of all:
>
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[richard]

BB

Facts are spot on

Been through it and have a DVD to prove it. Want to borrow it?????????????

[(buffalo) Bill]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
Sheasked, “What’s on TV?”I said, “Dust.”

[(buffalo) Bill]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.”I bought her a scale.

[(buffalo) Bill]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...