Dear America ...

This is the free for all area, live and unleashed, say what you like!
Post Reply
User avatar
buksida
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 22525
Joined: Tue Dec 31, 2002 12:25 pm
Location: south of sanity

Dear America ...

Post by buksida »

To the citizens of the United States of America :-

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister

(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred
to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured
for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk
of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
he Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.
Farang
Ace
Ace
Posts: 1290
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2003 11:29 pm

Post by Farang »

'
He-hee, heheheheheeeeee, heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheeee!
,
ianjames
Specialist
Specialist
Posts: 123
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2004 9:35 am
Location: NRT

Excellent

Post by ianjames »

:P This is for real,isn't it ??? It's just that,I thought the "Dukes of Hazard" was a Documentary :shock:
"In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol-
.....It was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
- George Best.
Viseman
Member
Member
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun May 23, 2004 7:00 pm
Location: St. Louis
Contact:

Something I always wanted to ask.

Post by Viseman »

If Americans can say the word aluminium using four syllables instead of five, does that make us smarter or just more concise?

Proud to be part of the 2.15%

:cheers:
User avatar
PeteB
Professional
Professional
Posts: 306
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2004 4:14 am
Location: Divided Kingdom

Something I always wanted to ask

Post by PeteB »

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
I wonder how many UK citizens wish to acknowledge that the aforementioned is, in fact, the British Prime Minister. :roll:

Hmm - How long have you been in Thailand Buksy? :wink:

/Me
User avatar
buksida
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 22525
Joined: Tue Dec 31, 2002 12:25 pm
Location: south of sanity

Post by buksida »

I wonder how many UK citizens wish to acknowledge that the aforementioned is, in fact, the British Prime Minister.
Erm ... yeah, I think that was the point.
Hmm - How long have you been in Thailand Buksy?
Far too long :mrgreen:
lomuamart
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 9732
Joined: Tue Dec 31, 2002 12:25 pm
Location: hua hin

Post by lomuamart »

That was funny.
Just read it. Did you scribe it yourself?
User avatar
buksida
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 22525
Joined: Tue Dec 31, 2002 12:25 pm
Location: south of sanity

Post by buksida »

no, I didnt write it but it did make me chuckle so I thought i'd post it to try and get a reaction out of our brethren across the ocean :wink:
Farang
Ace
Ace
Posts: 1290
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2003 11:29 pm

Taxation, no representation rides again.

Post by Farang »

buksida wrote:To the citizens of the United States of America :-

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister

(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded.
So dere's gombe no representation,,,,,,,
buksida wrote:

You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
---

and the elimination of "-ize".

---

As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
What sise of cup would that be?
buksida wrote:
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
,,, but dere's gombe taxation. How'd it end last time?
.
lindosfan1
Deceased
Deceased
Posts: 4069
Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:26 pm
Location: uk

Re: Dear America ...

Post by lindosfan1 »

The effect of letting Americans have guns.
Over 15,000 people have been killed by guns in the United States in 2017, according to a list compiled by tracking website Gun Violence Archive.

That figure does not include an estimated 22,000 annual suicides using firearms.
Woke up this morning breathing that's a good start to the day.
Post Reply