Hi Folks,
later this month I will be travelling back to sunny Scotland for my best-mates wedding and as the title hints.. yeah I'll be in charge of the best-man speech
I've already got some good material but would appreciate some further jokes, etc?
My mate is a Scottish farmer with a passion for tractors/farming, high performance cars and Chinese/Scottish ladies (his fiance is a Chinese-jock!).
Any suggestions?
GN.
Mick Jagger says “Hey, you, get offa my cloud”, but the Scottish farmer says “Hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!”
Weak Eh? More appropriate for a Taff or an Aussie IMO
Google Scottish jokes and you'll find a few that might be appropriate
You could also crack a few about independence
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
A Scottish farmer says to his wife: "If you had bigger tit’s, I’d get rid of the cow!"
Wife replies: "If you had a bigger cock, I’d get rid of the tractor driver!"
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Buy a load of keys, like a hundred, and give them out to all the men in the audience. At some point in the speech, say that the bride is becoming a faithful woman and therefore if anyone has a key to her house/ flat,they should bring it up now. The video will capture dozens and dozens of men dropping keys on the table in front of you. Twist is, your dad (if he's there) is last man up and you watch with a look of horror on your face as you take a key out of your own pocket.......
Hamish (substitute your friends name) was getting married so he said to his mum, "mum, can you make me a pair of tartan pants to match my kilt for the wedding". "Of course I can son, so go down to the cloth shop and buy some tartan material and I'll make you a pair".
Off Hamish goes and buys 2 metres of tartan cloth and hurries back home to mum and hands her the 2 metres of cloth. "Why did you buy 2 metres Hamish, one metre is more than enough" so she cut one metre off and made him a lovely pair of tartan pants.
On the morning of the wedding Hamish was somewhat nervous and in his haste to get to the church on time, he forgot to put his pants on. The ceremony went without incident and following his best mans speech, Hamish stood up and began his speech, thanking in particular his mother for making him his wedding outfit. He proudly shouted out " What do you think of me new Tartan kilt", to which everybody replied "ah, great man". He then lifted his kilt and shouted "and what do you think of this" - "Oh even better, they all shouted". "aye, and I've another metre of this at home"
