RONNIE'S GREATEST JOKES
>> THE man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
>> IN a packed programme tonight, we will be talking to an out of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
>> IN a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing#
AT London's Heathrow, senior customs officer Seaforth Mumbly retired today. He shook hands with passengers passing through the customs, and confiscated a gold watch for himself.
>> THE Ministry of Defence have announced new pay scales for the Army, heavily favouring the NCOs. Said a new recruit: "It's all very well for the sergeants and the corporals, but it's a nasty blow to the privates."
>> I AM the president of the Loyal Society for the Relief of Suffers from Pismronunciation, for the relief of people who can't say their worms correctly, or who use the wrong worms entirely, so that other people cannot underhand a bird they are spraying.
>> NEXT week, we will be meeting the man who crossed a tambourine with a submarine and came up with the Salvation Navy.
>> NEXT week, we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the Dairy Council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.
>> NEXT week, we'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left.
>> THE search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
>> BILL Lomax, the well-known elephant tracker, was buried today. In future, he has decided to track further behind the elephant.
>> LATER on in the show, we will be meeting a lady who likes Nicholas Parsons, and a Parson who likes knickerless ladies.
>> THERE was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.
>> AS Ronnie Corbett, playing an ironmonger, gives him four candles, Ronnie Barker says: "No. Fork 'andles. Andles for forks.
In Memory of Ronnie Barker RIP
r.i.p. master
I'd just like to say 1 word:
PORRIDGE
R.I.P. big man
PORRIDGE
R.I.P. big man
"In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol-
.....It was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
- George Best.
.....It was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
- George Best.