The Best of Irish

Post by **hhfarang** » Wed Jun 17, 2009 10:39 am

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, 'Are you crazy ? Now we don't have any money at all !'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry ... just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in ? We haven't got any money !!'

Murphy replied, with a smile, 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers ! '

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me !'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel ? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Post by **Big Boy** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:57 pm

Post by **Big Boy** » Sun Jun 21, 2009 10:27 pm

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's minivan when Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, suddenly yells out, "Oh big boy (

the author denies any connection

), whip me, whip me!"

Paddy obviously did not have any whips on hand, but not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, has a timely flash of true inspiration. He opens the front door window, snaps the radio antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit, so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has gone with Paddy, let alone that she begged the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that, yes, she did.

The doctor then asks, "Was it perhaps outdoors, maybe in a vehicle?"

Colleen reddens in further embarrassment and admits to doing it outdoors.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor confirms, "I thought so because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Post by **Big Boy** » Wed Jul 01, 2009 2:42 am

There were 3 Irish men sat masturbating in a cafe.

The waitress walks by and asks the 3 men what on Earth do they think they're doing.

One of the Irish men points to a sign on the wall that says, "First Come, First Served."

Post by **Big Boy** » Fri Jul 17, 2009 10:35 pm

A gypsy wedding in Ireland ended in a riot. The police turned up and arrested 20 including the Best Man and Groom.

The Best asked the Judge, "Can I explain what happened? It's tradition for the Best Man to have the first dance with the Bride, which I did. I was dancing very close, when the Groom charged towards his wife and kicked her in the Fanny!"

"Gosh," says the Judge, "That must have been sore."

"Sore!" he replied, "He broke 3 of my fingers."

Post by **Big Boy** » Fri Jul 17, 2009 10:42 pm

2 Irishmen park their car, shut the door and then realise they have locked the keys inside.

Declan says to Paddy, "We could get a coat hanger, and try to unlock it; or we could try to prise the door open."

"Well," says Paddy, "Whatever we do, we'd better hurry. It's starting to rain and the top's still down."

Post by **Big Boy** » Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:42 am

An Irishman cleaning his rifle accidentally shot and killed his wife and then dialled 999.

Paddy: it’s my wife I accidentally shot her, I killed her!

Operator: please calm down sir, can you first make sure she is really dead.

CLICK!

BANG!

Paddy: ok done that, what next?

Post by **Khundon1975** » Fri Jul 31, 2009 8:10 pm

Paddy's great grandfather was killed at the battle of the Little Big Horn.

He wasn't actually in the battle, but was camping in the next field and had gone over to complain about the noise.

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Aug 01, 2009 3:24 am

Paddy was in a major car crash.

When he came around 3 days later, the doctor said, "I got some good and some bad news for you." The bad news is that you've had pints of black man's blood, and a pint of Polish blood."

Paddy screams, "BeJesas! What's the good news?"

The Doctor said, "Your cock has grown 6" longer, and you're top of the housing list."

Post by **Big Boy** » Mon Aug 17, 2009 1:24 am

It was the Irish Paralympic swimming trials. There were only 3 entrants for the 50mtrs free style:

- Lane 1 was Paddy with no arms.

- Lane 2 was Mick with no legs.

- Lane 3 was just a head called Seamus.

The gun went off, and they all dived in.. Mick with no legs took the lead from armless Paddy. Seamus the Head just sank to the bottom.

Armless Paddy just pipped the legless Mick to win the race.

They then rush back to the other end to fish Seamus the head out. They asked "What happened?"

Seamus the head spluttered and screamed, "6 months to learn to swim using just my ears, andsomebody put a swimming cap on me!"

Post by **Big Boy** » Mon Aug 17, 2009 2:30 am

Paddy and Murphy were doing a crossword. "I'm stuck on 2 down Murph," says Paddy. "A flightless bird from Iceland (6,7)."

Murphy replies, "You stupid idiot, that's easy ............. frozen chicken."

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:40 am

Irish maths test

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.

Post by **migrant** » Sat Aug 29, 2009 5:31 am

So Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers
always fall backwards off
their boats?"

To which Murphy replies,"Well if they fell forwards
they'd still be in the
fuckin' boat!"

Post by **Big Boy** » Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:25 am

Paddy says to Seamus, "I've been taking steroids and I've grown an extra cock."

Seamus asks, "Anabolic?"

Paddy replies, "No, just a cock."

Post by **Big Boy** » Mon Sep 21, 2009 3:38 pm

Mick opened Paddy's fridge, and asks, Why do you always keep an empty bottle of milk in here?"

Paddy replied, "It's in case somebody wants black coffee."