The Best of Irish

[barrys]

Migrant - that's feckin brilliant

[Nereus]

Or you can watch it here:

viewtopic.php?f=32&t=17026&start=15

[barrys]

Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[hhfarang]

Man: Is there a problem, Garda?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Man: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see.

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 garda cars circle the car. A senior garda slowly approaches the car.

Garda 2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The man steps out of his vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem garda?
Garda 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Garda 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please.

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

Garda 2: Is this your car, sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers. The garda is quite stunned.
Garda 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The man digs into his pocket and pulls his license out and hands it to the garda. The garda snaps it and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Garda 2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bollocks told you I was speeding too!!!!!