Best of British

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Mon Feb 17, 2014 11:36 am

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50- pence piece
When it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."

Her mother says,
You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a £150,000 Ferrari,
You get £3,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...
Over 45 pence?"


Now that's a Jewish mother!!!

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Mon Feb 17, 2014 11:39 am

And finally one strictly for the boys!!



WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station loo because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £5000. Top hat & tails rental-£100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about Star Trek.

A five-day holiday requires only one small bag.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.99 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look !

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.


___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Shorty and Lofty.


EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £52.50. None of them will have anything smaller.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YES!!!


MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, razor, soap, and a towel.


The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Tue Feb 25, 2014 7:05 pm

NOAH TODAY




In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Somerset and said;


Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. He gave Noah the blueprints, saying; you have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. Noah he roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?



Noah said; forgive me, Lord, but things have changed.

I needed a Building Permit, I've been arguing with the boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local planning committee for a decision. Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the greater spotted barn owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work. The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.



Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

You mean you're not going to destroy the world?

No, said the Lord. The Government beat me to it.
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Sun Mar 02, 2014 9:52 pm

This guy brings his best mate home unannounced for dinner at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Tue Mar 04, 2014 6:49 pm

XXXX







THE DAY THE PENIS ASKED FOR A RAISE

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss




The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. YOU DO NOT STAY
IN YOUR DESIGNATED AREA AND ARE OFTEN SEEN VISITING OTHER LOCATIONS.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed THE
ASSIGNED TASK..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Mon Apr 14, 2014 4:24 pm



In the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist

was getting nowhere with her

“Stammerers Action Group”.

She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said

"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,

the name of the town where you were born

I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.

So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

















"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".


RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Mon Apr 14, 2014 10:43 pm


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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Mon Apr 14, 2014 10:59 pm

Irish actually!!
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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Mon Apr 28, 2014 1:08 pm

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RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Mon May 12, 2014 11:22 am


How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?




QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:


British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Mon May 26, 2014 12:25 pm

Wasn't sure whether to post this here or 'Digital Realm'. Tossed a coin so it's here:



In Essex (of course) , a wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open, I don’t know what to do”.


Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it, give it a few
minutes and try again”.







Scroll down












Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer really f***ed now."
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Sat May 31, 2014 10:18 am

RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by dozer » Sat May 31, 2014 10:32 am


Hilarious, that is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I am going use some of that material for the next time I get the Saturday morning visit from the Jehovah Witnesses
Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon

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Re: Best of British

Post by dozer » Fri Jun 06, 2014 5:23 pm

David Moyes says he has had two contract offers since he left Utd but has decided to stick with pay as you go.
Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Sun Jun 08, 2014 1:24 pm

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I
did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them
on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were
too large... 'I told her, 'of course they're too big.

I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off
his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to
forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,'
she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.

'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'

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