Best of British

[dtaai-maai]

I've had to switch it off, I've got a headache and I'm hysterical.

[pharvey]

I am now officially in pain....

[dtaai-maai]

I sent the transport one to my daughter (age 38), she said " it was ok I got bored it went on too long".
I despair...

[Nereus]

"Och aye the noo",

[Big Boy]

I haven't posted here for a while, but just had to share this one.........

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln

There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York , Durham and Liverpool. In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to the southwest to see if the area had the same phone.

He arrived in Exeter, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50 pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Devon now, son .... it's a local call.'

[pharvey]

Jethro - "Theory & Reality"......
.

[arcadianagain]

I read this week that Jethro will be retiring after one last show. Did you know he got his name from his actual name, Geoff Rowe

[pharvey]

I read this week that Jethro will be retiring after one last show. Did you know he got his name from his actual name, Geoff Rowe

Saw him once years ago when he did a guest appearance at a cider festival no less.... . Would love to have seen him again before he retires.

Did know the Geoff Rowe bit.....

[Dannie Boy]

One for all, but especially Scottish bashers!! (40 years ago it would have been equally applicable to Maggie Thatcher).


Nicola Sturgeon was touring rural Scotland in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car, suddenly a cow jumped out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur,
"You get out and check - you were driving." the chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead....
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything."
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say to them?" asks Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said, “I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[pharvey]

I can certainly relate to a few of these......

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[dtaai-maai]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Sir Winston Churchill loved them)

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of an emergency, notify...” I answered “a doctor.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.

[pharvey]

^ We need to go into the Tee-Shirt business together....

[pharvey]

The doctor says to his patient, "Alfie, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Alfie was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But when he thought about it some more, he decided he'd rather be free of pain. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, Abe, "I'd like a new suit. The elderly Jewish tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long.”
Alfie laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said. Alfie tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Alfie admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Alfie thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Alfie and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Alfie was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years," the man repeated
Alfie tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Alfie walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Alfie thought for a moment, then said, "Sure." Abe said, "Let's see, size 38. Alfie laughed, "Aha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
"Abe shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[pharvey]

During this cr@ppy year, like many I've been sat on my @rse looking through stored videos, Netflix, Amazon and YouTube et. al........ Came across this one, which sums up Spike Milligan - incredible humour, genius and member of the Goons....
.
.

[Big Boy]

These 2 are topical, and made me smile:

1.jpg (11.84 KiB) Viewed 406 times

2.jpg (55 KiB) Viewed 406 times