Best of British

[cockneyrebel]

I came in to work early one day and climbed to a ceiling beam and hung
upside down. One of my co-workers (she's blonde ~ it'll be important
later) came in and asked: "What on earth are you doing?"

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light
bulb."

It wasn't long before the Boss walked by. He stopped, stared up at me
for a few seconds and shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?"
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Come down from there and take a few
days off."

I climbed down and started walking out. My blond co-worker started
following me and the Boss asked: "And where do you think you're going?"

She replied "You don't expect me to work in the dark, do you?"

[dr dave soul monsta]

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there
_______________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

[dr dave soul monsta]

Beer Study:

Yesterday scientists suggested that in consideration of the results of
a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer, men should take a look at cutting back their beer consumption.

Scientists discovered the female hormones while conducting a study in
which 100 men were fed a case of beer within a one hour time period.
The scientists observed that 100% of the men

gained weight

talked excessively without making sense

became overly emotional,

couldn't drive,

failed to think rationally,

argued over nothing, and refused to
apologize when wrong.
NO further testing is planned.

[cockneyrebel]

Birthday Present - What really happens ...

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, " How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[Bangkokney]

What is the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson ?
















Scargill has not seen a minor's helmet for 20 years !!!





SAMLOR !!!

[cockneyrebel]

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 100 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But when he eventually looked in his rearview mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem", thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 150 mph
to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing", and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[dr dave soul monsta]

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY,"ESTHER,


I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED ,"

I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID

" ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE".

ESTHER REPLIED
" MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS"
.

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID,

" FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD,

IT'S 50 DOLLARS".

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN,


BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID" BY GOLLY,I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"


MORRIS REPLIED" WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,

BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!

[dr dave soul monsta]

A man goes into the unemployment office in Manchester to look at job vacancies on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.

"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. £500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."

"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Manchester. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper."

"The agency supplys girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, Milan... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the bloke. "I'd really like to apply for the job."

The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to John O'Groats."

" John O' Groats ? What do I wanna go to John O' Groats for?"

"Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the fu**ing application queue is at the moment !!"

[dr dave soul monsta]

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.[/b]

[PeteB]

Nip & Tuk -

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below", to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her "middle" was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears"

[dr dave soul monsta]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

Nithe horth." says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her teeth?


Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf To show him the horses ears

"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and Shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina. He holds him there for a Couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that...

"Can I see her wun awound?""

[dr dave soul monsta]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 am, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,


"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."



"I have a better idea," she replies, "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims.


"Good," she replies. "get your own f#cking blanket"


After a moment of silence, he farted

[dr dave soul monsta]

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking
down the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record
shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject
has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European
Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if
he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of
European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with
his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the
Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales
persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert
in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp
sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some
mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar".
The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the
World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed
listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps
returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young
fellow there. ""Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World
renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just
been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to
say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you
certain I have been listening to the correct recording?"
Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently
playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: .
>
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> "Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

[Wanderlust]

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the
doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him
to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband
came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[dr dave soul monsta]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the
rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled
hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him,
and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I
thought you might be the father of one of my children !

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
Sha**ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e

No she replies, I'm your sons' English Teacher