Best of the Rest of the World

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richard
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by richard »

IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU SMILE or LAUGH then you are a 'grumpy' or in Christmas terms 'humbug' :)


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Chicago, they have weekly
husbands' Marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to
all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'



Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."


RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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Late Monday morning, the battered fighter pilot finally regained consciousness…
He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital's ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He remembered he'd been in a, no shit, serious flying accident on Saturday.
The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS MAINTAINING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE! :thumb:
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - Yma o Hyd.
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dozer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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Smoking is a risky activity:-

A worker on beam of building at 40 Wall Street, 1930, no hard hat or high viz and smoking
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Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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^ I wouldn't be giving him a light!!.......
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - Yma o Hyd.
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dozer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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Cartoon of the day
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Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer »

Walking a Chihuahua in the snow

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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"Mr. President, is that Hillary's autobiography in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
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Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon
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richard
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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> A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
>
> So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
>
> Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening, as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
>
> Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
>
> Then he gets the full house and wins £5000.
>
> Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £780,000.
>
> The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
>
> 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

>
> 'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!!
>
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Terry »

^ ^ That's a cracker :cheers:
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richard
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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richard
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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This is so disappointing. CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White has been cancelled.

All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.

They also say they have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go.
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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richard
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by richard »

Airport Full Body Scan Status Report 2014


(Canadian Air Traffic Security Agency)
disclosed the following Airport Screening Results




December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening >From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered
0

Transvestites

133

Hernias

1,485

Haemorrhoid Cases

3,172

Enlarged Prostates

8,249

Breast Implants

59,350

Natural Blondes

3



It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls ....

Thought you'd like to know ....

RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by dozer »

Are you man enough?

Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon
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richard
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

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A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: "A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?" After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?" The Scotsman got the job.
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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dozer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by dozer »

Who says men don't remember!
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Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon
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