TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE
Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"
Best of the Rest of the World
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Seems he was minding the wrong gap:
Yes, that's the last boarding male passenger facing outward.
It's a fake. The way the cameraman moved around the clump of passengers attempting to board indicated he knew what was going to happen and where he needed to be to video it.
- DidntMindTheGap.jpg (19.78 KiB) Viewed 702 times
It's a fake. The way the cameraman moved around the clump of passengers attempting to board indicated he knew what was going to happen and where he needed to be to video it.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
This was sent to me in an email and obviously originated in the UK from the language and spelling (sorry if it has been posted before), but it is so true of the differences in the U.S. system too from then to now.
SCHOOL - 1950s v 2014
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2014 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault. Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2014 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2014 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.
2014 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.
1950s - Wasps die.
2014- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Johnny falls down while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1950s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.
2014 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.
SCHOOL - 1950s v 2014
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2014 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault. Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2014 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2014 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.
2014 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.
1950s - Wasps die.
2014- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Johnny falls down while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1950s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.
2014 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.
My brain is like an Internet browser; 12 tabs are open and 5 of them are not responding, there's a GIF playing in an endless loop,... and where is that annoying music coming from?
-
Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 12208
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
I've not seen it before, but it sounds a lot closer to the truth than most of us would like to admit in this PC world we live in.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
2 TOUGH QUESTIONS...
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally
retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8
to 10 Martinis a day.
Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the
response.
Candidate A is....... Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is........ Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is......... Adolf Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it.
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember:
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally
retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8
to 10 Martinis a day.
Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the
response.
Candidate A is....... Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is........ Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is......... Adolf Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it.
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember:
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
-
migrant
- Addict
- Posts: 5865
- Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2006 6:15 am
- Location: California is now in the past hello Thailand!!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Q: What do you call a girl from the south (regional US humor)(Sorry HHF) that runs faster than her brothers and uncles?
A: A virgin
A: A virgin
The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess
Diana's
death.
Question:
How come?
Answer:
An
English Princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a
French tunnel,
riding in a
German car
with a
Dutch engine,
driven by a
Belgian
who was drunk on
Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),
followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi,
on
Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an
American doctor,
using
Brazilian medicines.
This is
sent to you by a
Filipino,
using
American
Bill Gates' technology,
and
you're probably reading
this on your computer,
that uses
Taiwanese chips,
and a
Korean monitor,
assembled by
Bangladeshi
workers
in a
Singapore plant,
transported by
Indian truck drivers,
hijacked by
Indonesians,
unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,
and
trucked to you by
Mexicans
who are in the
US illegally
because
the current president,
born in
Kenya
and educated as a
muslim in
Indonesia
refuses to enforce
US law.
That, my friends, is Globalization !
Answer:
Princess
Diana's
death.
Question:
How come?
Answer:
An
English Princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a
French tunnel,
riding in a
German car
with a
Dutch engine,
driven by a
Belgian
who was drunk on
Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),
followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi,
on
Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an
American doctor,
using
Brazilian medicines.
This is
sent to you by a
Filipino,
using
American
Bill Gates' technology,
and
you're probably reading
this on your computer,
that uses
Taiwanese chips,
and a
Korean monitor,
assembled by
Bangladeshi
workers
in a
Singapore plant,
transported by
Indian truck drivers,
hijacked by
Indonesians,
unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,
and
trucked to you by
Mexicans
who are in the
US illegally
because
the current president,
born in
Kenya
and educated as a
muslim in
Indonesia
refuses to enforce
US law.
That, my friends, is Globalization !
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
The British Invasion of comic book writers.
Who knew? In the late 80s British comic book writers brought a new sensibility to American comics. Like the British pop music invasion of the 60s they inhaled an American art form, changed it to fit their sensibilities, then gave it back.
I learned this while listening to a podcast interview with Grant Morrison, a Scot who came early in the invasion. As a lad, he was a typical comic book nerd. He liked the American books but choice and supply was limited, much as American records were scarce in the 60s unless one bought them from sailors in Liverpool.
Then he found a source. His family lived near an American air base. His life changed when the 'Yankee Bookstore' opened.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_In ... 8comics%29
Who knew? In the late 80s British comic book writers brought a new sensibility to American comics. Like the British pop music invasion of the 60s they inhaled an American art form, changed it to fit their sensibilities, then gave it back.
I learned this while listening to a podcast interview with Grant Morrison, a Scot who came early in the invasion. As a lad, he was a typical comic book nerd. He liked the American books but choice and supply was limited, much as American records were scarce in the 60s unless one bought them from sailors in Liverpool.
Then he found a source. His family lived near an American air base. His life changed when the 'Yankee Bookstore' opened.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_In ... 8comics%29
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
A Love Story
I will seek and find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
signed:
The Flu
Now, stop thinking about sex and go and get your
flu jab!
I will seek and find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
signed:
The Flu
Now, stop thinking about sex and go and get your
flu jab!
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Very clever and oh so true...............
The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger
who was new to our small town. From the beginning,
Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
and soon invited him to live with our family. The
stranger was quickly accepted and was around
from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my
family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would
keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,
mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history
or science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The
stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem
to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of
us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to
say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,
but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not
from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor,
however, got away with four-letter words that burned my
ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made
cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments
were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing..
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were
influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he
opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked
... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved
in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly
as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into
my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over
in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and
watch him draw his pictures.
His name?....
We just call him 'TV.'
(Note: This should be required
reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod "
And JUST BORN THIS YEAR WAS a Grandchild:
IPAD
OH MY----HOW TRUE THIS IS!!!
The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger
who was new to our small town. From the beginning,
Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
and soon invited him to live with our family. The
stranger was quickly accepted and was around
from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my
family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would
keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,
mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history
or science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The
stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem
to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of
us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to
say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,
but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not
from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor,
however, got away with four-letter words that burned my
ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made
cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments
were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing..
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were
influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he
opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked
... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved
in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly
as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into
my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over
in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and
watch him draw his pictures.
His name?....
We just call him 'TV.'
(Note: This should be required
reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod "
And JUST BORN THIS YEAR WAS a Grandchild:
IPAD
OH MY----HOW TRUE THIS IS!!!
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
-
Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 12208
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Once upon a time there lived a King.
The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
So true I guess. You could mirror it with what is happening to the UK
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
- 11092_506388179504085_6892906556658208423_n.jpg (24.17 KiB) Viewed 405 times
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Top Football (Soccer) Shootout Ever. EVER!