Best of the Rest of the World

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Homer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Thu Apr 14, 2016 9:30 pm

Man describing a mermaid to a police sketch artist. Trailer for a movie.

Watch it full screen!


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pharvey
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by pharvey » Sun May 01, 2016 6:01 pm


I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

________________________________________


Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring ..
So, at least I got home OK.

________________________________________


Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
________________________________________


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,
a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
________________________________________


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
________________________________________


After both suffering from depression for a while,
me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
________________________________________


I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered “ the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
________________________________________


"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
________________________________________


Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
________________________________________


I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed
a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"
I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
________________________________________


A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"



:cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Pagey
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Pagey » Sun May 01, 2016 10:10 pm

Excellent. :lach: :lach: :lach: :lach: :lach:
'If you didn't have a wasted youth you wasted your youth'

Man in pub circa 1987.

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Nereus
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Thu May 05, 2016 5:23 pm

A practical example of how age of equipment effects its' reliability:

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.

The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50, 000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100, 000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant. . . . . and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200, 000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money ?"

"Well, " said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f@@@@@g truck! "
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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dtaai-maai
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by dtaai-maai » Thu May 05, 2016 6:06 pm

^^ Surprisingly good punchline - made me splutter my Sang Som! :laugh: :cheers:
Cry ‘God for Harry, England, and St George!’

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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by dtaai-maai » Thu May 05, 2016 6:12 pm

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
:lach: :lach:

I recently mentioned on another thread that I was an immigration officer in a previous life. This reminds me of the [true] story of an elderly bearded German gentleman who arrived at Dover in the early 80s on a bicycle pulling a trailer adorned with the German flag. When I asked him if this was his first visit, he said he'd been to the UK once before... in 1943!!
Cry ‘God for Harry, England, and St George!’

Homer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Fri May 06, 2016 1:16 pm

If you don't understand this photo:
HusOnFirst.jpg
HusOnFirst.jpg (82.63 KiB) Viewed 2576 times
you NEED to watch this classic comedy sketch.


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Nereus
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:34 pm

Thai Hospitals:

   A male  patient is
          lying in bed in the hospital, wearing  an oxygen mask over his
          mouth.
         
          A young student nurse
          appears and gives him a partial  sponge
          bath.
         
          "Nurse,"  he mumbles
          from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
          black?"
         
          Embarrassed, the young
          nurse replies, "I don't know,Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper
          body and  feet."
         
          He struggles to ask again,
          "Nurse, please  check for me.
Are my testicles
          black?"
         
          Concerned that he might
          elevate his blood  pressure and heart
rate from worrying about
          his testicles, she  overcomes her
          embarrassment         
          and pulls back the
          covers.  She raises his gown, holds his manhood in
          one hand    
          and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,

"There's
          nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look
          magnificent."
         
          The man slowly pulls off
          his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, thank
very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,  very
          closely:




"Are - My -Test - Results -
          Back?"
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

Homer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:24 am

CellPhones.jpg
CellPhones.jpg (39.25 KiB) Viewed 1321 times
Camel.jpg
Camel.jpg (39.21 KiB) Viewed 1321 times
CinderllaParty.jpg
CinderllaParty.jpg (38.42 KiB) Viewed 1321 times

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hhfarang
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by hhfarang » Sun Dec 11, 2016 9:28 pm

From Facebook, made me spill my coffee laughing...

Image
My brain is like an Internet browser; 12 tabs are open and 5 of them are not responding, there's a GIF playing in an endless loop,... and where is that annoying music coming from?

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Nereus
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Nereus » Tue Mar 07, 2017 7:48 pm

HOSPITABLE
Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear.

At a travel agency in Shanghai , I asked the Chinese girl behind
the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her
for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, 

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder
and said, "What she really said was:  666136429."
 
Sometimes they are hard to understand.
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

Homer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Tue Aug 29, 2017 8:39 am

Man thinks cat needs to be rescued.
Cat thinks 'Rescue? I don't need no stinkin' rescue'.
So, Like a Boss (hey Brits, that's slang for completing an action with authority and finesse):

https://www.liveleak.com/view?i=6b5_1503846741

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migrant
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by migrant » Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:32 am

An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked
if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin
bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when ma husband goes oot to the darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followingMonday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised
to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to
her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said
"next Monday, when ye go oot to the darts, leave a wee bit early and
wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so ye can
see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked: "Dae you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do
you have hair?"

"Oh, aye," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed
the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair
department... very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did ye see
it?"

"Aye," he said, "but why the hell did ye have to show her yours."

"Why ever are ye worried aboot that?" she said. "Ye've seen it often
enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
The essence of life lies with the dispensing with of formalities

Homer
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by Homer » Sun Nov 12, 2017 11:11 am


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pharvey
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Re: Best of the Rest of the World

Post by pharvey » Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:41 pm

^ Classic :thumb:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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