Paddy said to Murphey, "Set the alarm for 5 in the morning."
Murphey said, "Shut up you idiot, there's only 2 of us"
The Best of Irish
A naughty boy at school draws a picture of a penis on the blackboard.
When his teacher sees it she rubs it off.
Next day the boy draws a larger penis on the blackboard, and writes, "Remember, the more you rub it, the bigger it gets.".
When his teacher sees it she rubs it off.
Next day the boy draws a larger penis on the blackboard, and writes, "Remember, the more you rub it, the bigger it gets.".
Championship Stoke City 3 - 0 Plymouth Argyle 
Points 48; Position 20
Points 48; Position 20
Whoops - sorry about the last 2. My eyesight must be failing me 
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.
Fook off you liar!" they say.
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of dem, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fooking one?
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.
Fook off you liar!" they say.
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of dem, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fooking one?
Championship Stoke City 3 - 0 Plymouth Argyle
Points 48; Position 20
Points 48; Position 20
A major International company was looking to recruit for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from Ireland, England and Scotland.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from England, says 'My answer is, there is no answer.'
The second, from Scotland, says 'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'
The third one, from Ireland, says 'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor.
The Irishman got the job...
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from England, says 'My answer is, there is no answer.'
The second, from Scotland, says 'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'
The third one, from Ireland, says 'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor.
The Irishman got the job...
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Championship Stoke City 3 - 0 Plymouth Argyle
Points 48; Position 20
Points 48; Position 20
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
Championship Stoke City 3 - 0 Plymouth Argyle
Points 48; Position 20
Points 48; Position 20
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.
He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick fu**wits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'
He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick fu**wits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'
Championship Stoke City 3 - 0 Plymouth Argyle
Points 48; Position 20
Points 48; Position 20
Murphy's lesser known laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine (especially at car parks).
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
7. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine (especially at car parks).
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
7. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Championship Stoke City 3 - 0 Plymouth Argyle
Points 48; Position 20
Points 48; Position 20
Patrick, who was on holiday..... from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer, They're years outta style.
You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?
'JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard,'
Maaaaate.
The potato goes in front!'
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer, They're years outta style.
You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?
'JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard,'
Maaaaate.
The potato goes in front!'
Championship Stoke City 3 - 0 Plymouth Argyle
Points 48; Position 20
Points 48; Position 20
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel !!!!
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel !!!!
Championship Stoke City 3 - 0 Plymouth Argyle
Points 48; Position 20
Points 48; Position 20