Best of British

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dozer
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Re: Best of British

Post by dozer » Fri Jul 31, 2015 1:09 pm

Watching all of these migrants in Calais desperately trying to get to the UK, it makes you wonder.

Do they not know the booze is much cheaper over there?
Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon

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Best of British

Post by Felipesed » Fri Jul 31, 2015 5:05 pm

The handouts from the state, ie British taxpayers, are better!

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Sun Aug 09, 2015 2:50 pm

GEORDIE GOLF

A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have 10am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have timeto wait for the anaesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show him."
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Sun Aug 09, 2015 2:53 pm

Chap walks into a Pakistani Book shop and asks for a book on UKIP.

The Pakistani shopkeeper says, “F*** Off, Get Out and Don’t come back”

The bloke says, “Yes, that’s the one"......
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Wed Aug 26, 2015 10:54 am

This would have been better had we not got thrashed in the last test, but.......
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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Tue Sep 01, 2015 1:52 pm

The British Border Agency is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.

If you see the vehicle, pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police.
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"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:42 am

OLD people have problems that most folks don’t even think about.

As a part of a thorough physical exam, the doctor for an 85-year-old man requested a sperm count. The Doc gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the man returned to the doctor's office with the jar, empty and still clean. The doctor asked the man what happened. “Well, doc, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth out, then with her teeth in, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too; first with both hands, then under her arm. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. By this time, the doctor was red-faced and incredulous. “You asked your neighbor?”

"Yeah," the old man replied, “None of us could get the jar open.”

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:46 am

NOT SURPRISED REALLY

Before we get too teary eyed about Greece, some Interesting Greek Facts.

Whilst going through the Greek books before the bailouts European
monitors discovered the following amazing facts.

Greece has the highest proportion of people retiring in their 50’s in
the Euro-zone. This includes 600 classes of workers in hazardous occupations. Hairdressers (Peroxide users), Musicians (Horn or Trumpet players!), Train Drivers and TV presenters (Think Blue Peter!)

Usually Greek pensions are 96% of their last salary.(Germans receive 40% on average).

Greece has the highest number of fictitious people in the world with an
age of 110 or more! Deaths go undeclared so pensions are still being
paid to people who died, in some cases over 60 years ago. Some families are drawing 4 or 5 pensions for relations who have passed.!

Greek public employment is huge. It is not unusual to find 45 gardeners for small state gardens and the number of chauffeurs average 50 for each official vehicle.

25% of Greeks do not pay any taxes on Private income.

Over 25% of employed Greeks are government employees.

Greece has four times the number of teachers that Finland has, yet Finland tops
the league of EU education tables whilst Greece is at the bottom. Greek teachers are also the better paid of the two.

The Greek average wage for railway workers, including cleaners, is €66,000.
Greek railways cost half a billion Euros to run per year. It is estimated that private, individual taxis would prove less expensive!

Fictitious jobs with no purpose are common. An excellent example of this is
the Institute for the conservation of the Kopias Lake which employs 1,763 people. The lake that has been drained since 1930!

Over 300 of such public institutions have been created over the past decade.

So, let me see if the average man/woman can make sense of this.

The Greeks seem to produce little, have limited educational skills, do not do much of anything, retire at an early age, and reap pension benefits from their dearly departed. Despite this, they have outwitted the European bureaucrats for the past 10 years, and recently wrecked havoc in the World currency markets. Thank goodness there are only 10 million of them!

I suggest we sack all the EU officials, and MEPs, and replace them with Greeks, especially those retired Greeks over the age of 50!



LET THEM RULE THE EURO-ZONE I SAY!!

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:49 am

In Honour of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."

==========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."

===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."

==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."

=======================

On a Pifco hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping

====================================

On a bag of Doritos --
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary.
Details inside.

===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."

============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

==========================

On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

===========================

On a child's Superman costume (at least this must be tongue in cheek)--
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

========================


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even chuckle)...

Blessed are the cracked:
For it is they who let in the light

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:52 am

Daughter to Father:
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand.!
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Father's response:
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick,
I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.'

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:57 am

Particularly applicable to many of the Forums members


Cowboy:
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

....When you are over sixty, who gives a shit !.....

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a
few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friends

over there instead of you."

.....When you are over sixty, who gives a shit !....

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman

was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience
and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

.....When you are over sixty, who gives a shit !.....

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

....When you are over sixty, who gives a shit !......

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

.....When you are over sixty, who gives a shit !....

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Sep 03, 2015 12:01 pm

Here's a bit of fun to brighten your day:
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, " What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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Re: Best of British

Post by Chazz14 » Fri Sep 04, 2015 11:29 pm

A bloke gets lucky in a night club and takes a girl back to his place for a one night stand.

Bloke: How would you like your eggs in the morning?

Girl: Unfertilised!
“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.”
― Frank Zappa

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Thu Jun 30, 2016 3:17 pm

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"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Khundon1975
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Re: Best of British

Post by Khundon1975 » Sun Jul 03, 2016 5:21 am

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience
and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
I've lost my mind and I am making no effort to find it.

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