Best of British

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richard
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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Thu Feb 26, 2015 5:57 pm

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London.

They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?' There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, 'That'll be 10p each, please.' The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40p, please.' They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?' 'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same.' 'Wow! That's some story!' one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.'
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Fri Feb 27, 2015 7:38 am

A Fife couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.

T​ ​he girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any pubic hair. I take it you have?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she possessed a generously endowed pelt.....very generous indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't."

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Mar 10, 2015 7:52 pm

image.jpg

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Thu Apr 02, 2015 3:25 am

Women's issue website Standard Issue Magazine reported that a UKIP candidate had called for a tax on childless women, dubbing it the Spare Womb Tax......... :duck:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by Khundon1975 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:21 pm

Guess who I bumped into in specsavers yesterday?

Everybody.

:sun:
I've lost my mind and I am making no effort to find it.

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Mon Apr 06, 2015 2:51 pm

Whoever said the Irish were daft.......

Polish guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop.

Polish guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice

Polish guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"

Murphy says to the Polish guy, "Watch dis, any Paddy is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK ... so where is your famous magic trick?"

Murphy says ...." Now look in the Polish guy's pocket!"



Tee He... :duck:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Thu Apr 09, 2015 1:28 pm

Oh so true.........

My SATNAV by Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.


:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Apr 14, 2015 10:25 am

Never trust a cricketer
Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.


First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast..

Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be..

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Apr 14, 2015 10:27 am

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his Mission in the jungle
where he has spent years teaching the natives,
in their language, when he realizes that the one thing, he never
really taught them much was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
The chief looks and grunts,"Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly says,
"Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he
has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind
to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that
way?

And the chief replied, ”My bike."

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Apr 14, 2015 10:29 am

A man walked into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouted, "Who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice at the back shouted, "You don't have enough bullets."

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your boobs cover it," wasn't the answer she was looking for.

A Liverpudlian went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the corner shop and asks the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies, "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Vanilla or Chocolate?"

My mother-in-law is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help." So I sent her a timetable.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell.

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Tue Apr 14, 2015 10:32 am

Sex in the Shower

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm [Brut], people from Glasgow have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Glasgow 's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

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Re: Best of British

Post by Khundon1975 » Tue Apr 14, 2015 6:30 pm

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

:thumb:
I've lost my mind and I am making no effort to find it.

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Fri Apr 24, 2015 9:50 pm

Superb......
Cabbie.jpg
:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Wed Apr 29, 2015 4:58 pm

Village of The Damned - Welsh re-make......
Damned.PNG
Damned.PNG (197.37 KiB) Viewed 511 times
:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by buksida » Sun Jun 07, 2015 9:16 pm

The Time Machine
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs, beeps, and goes into action. It gives him a printout, and he reads it . "The country is in good hands under the new president! Crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, and the economy is healthy. There are no worries.”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that,” so he asks, “What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs, beeps and goes into action. He gets a printout, but he just stares at it.

"Come on David,” says Barak, “What does it say?"

“Buggered if I know!" he replies,.... "It's not in English!”
Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? - Hunter S Thompson
Get out there: On The Road Asia

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