Best of British

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pharvey
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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:18 pm

Could be useful info. for some expats especially during the "festive season"......

ARE YOU PROPERLY INSURED FOR SEX?

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find below a list of companies catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife/husband - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union.

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.

Sex with an OAP - Saga.

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.

and finally......

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.

Not many people know that !

:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Sun Dec 28, 2014 3:06 pm

A visit to the Tower of London......

A little long, but well worth the watch!!

:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Sun Dec 28, 2014 4:01 pm

pharvey wrote:A visit to the Tower of London......

A little long, but well worth the watch!!

:cheers: :cheers:
Thanks for sharing, very funny, very non-pc and informative at the same time. :cheers:

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Re: Best of British

Post by dozer » Fri Jan 02, 2015 8:49 pm

I'm sure my petrol cap was on this side

Atheists have no need of a god. Our lives are not based on fear or guilt. We are moral because we know it's right.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon

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Re: Best of British

Post by Pagey » Thu Jan 08, 2015 12:48 pm

Yorkshire Road Sign


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'If you didn't have a wasted youth you wasted your youth'

Man in pub circa 1987.

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Jan 22, 2015 9:29 am

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and taramasalata.
It's a double dip recession.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks “I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?”
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
--------------------------------------------------------------
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed... The police are blaming AL IKEA.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
-------------------------------------------------------------------'
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says:
"Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy says to Mick,
"Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a slovak.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's warranty Runs Out Soon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a korma.......
The other's got a dodgy tikka!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sailing results are in:
USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan.
He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats!
It's doing well!
Prophets are going through the roof!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband:
'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple are in church.
About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Thu Jan 22, 2015 9:30 am

Subject: WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE.

About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving
another ' Winter Fuel' payment once we've had a couple of weeks of
decently cold weather. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and
I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it and only if you're old enough.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K.
Economy by spending your ' Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China,
Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed
prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and
night!

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Fri Jan 23, 2015 6:27 pm

British Jokes...

As politically incorrect as only the British can get.

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed
to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Omo
in to stop the coloureds from running.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves
that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists.
Many are drug dealers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of
improvements
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's
English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham, Bristo , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester
and London:
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found
that a bacon sandwich works great!
******************************************************

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Tue Feb 03, 2015 2:50 pm

Works for me.......

Taken from: - http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2014/07/03/nhs ... 5.facebook

NHS To Replace Antibiotics With Gin

Health News: The NHS has revealed plans to scrap traditional anti-bacterial drugs and instead replace them with generous measures of gin.

The move comes after a number of warnings about the growing threat of resistance to antibiotics that could cast the world “back into the dark ages of medicine”.

“It’s obviously very unsafe to mix medicine with alcohol, so we intend to stop using medicine altogether,” said a senior NHS spokesman.

“Gin has many excellent medicinal properties that would benefit patients – it can dull all kinds of mental and physical pain, the slice of lime served in a gin and tonic is packed with vitamins and antioxidants, plus LIDL Club gin is less than eight quid a bottle, so we’ll be massively reducing costs.”

“Our studies on this subject have indicated that patients who receive regular, large doses of medicinal gin tend to be much quieter and hardly ever complain about hospital food, paying five quid a day to watch TV, or having to put up with some knob from the government turning up for a photo opportunity.”


:cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Sat Feb 07, 2015 12:05 am

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the …bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorry’s, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Lorry”
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by Terry » Sat Feb 07, 2015 7:29 am

Nice one Mr. Harvey

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Sat Feb 21, 2015 12:58 pm

By Pam Ayres of course..

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.......
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Sat Feb 21, 2015 7:37 pm

:lach: :lach: Classic :cheers: :cheers:
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Wed Feb 25, 2015 4:49 pm

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in..........
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Wed Feb 25, 2015 5:44 pm

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found out that they could buy a cow in Swansea quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Wales .

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They then bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and
he was never able to do the deed.

The towns people were very upset and decided to go to
see the Vet, who was very wise, and tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

They explained "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away".

"If he approaches from the back, she moves forward".

"When he approaches her from the front, she backs off".

"If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Swansea ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Swansea .

"You are a truly wise and clever Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Swansea ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Swansea"

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