Best of British

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dozer
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Re: Best of British

Post by dozer » Mon Jul 28, 2014 8:20 pm

Worst Superhero ever:
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Re: Best of British

Post by dozer » Mon Jul 28, 2014 10:48 pm

dozer wrote:Health News: The NHS has revealed plans to scrap traditional anti-bacterial drugs and instead replace them with generous measures of gin.

The move comes after a number of warnings about the growing threat of resistance to antibiotics that could cast the world “back into the dark ages of medicine”.
“It’s obviously very unsafe to mix medicine with alcohol, so we intend to stop using medicine altogether,” said a senior NHS spokesman.
“Gin has many excellent medicinal properties that would benefit patients – it can dull all kinds of mental and physical pain, the slice of lime served in a gin and tonic is packed with vitamins and antioxidants, plus LIDL Club gin is less than eight quid a bottle, so we’ll be massively reducing costs.”
“Our studies on this subject have indicated that patients who receive regular, large doses of medicinal gin tend to be much quieter and hardly ever complain about hospital food, paying five quid a day to watch TV, or having to put up with some knob from the government turning up for a photo opportunity.”
When gin was full of sulphuric acid and turpentine

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-284860 ... ow_twitter
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Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. R J Hanlon

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:46 am





BRITISH 'CUISINE' IN THE 'FIFTIES

* Pasta had not been introduced into Blighty.

* Curry was a surname.

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet.

* Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming.

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

* A pizza was something to do with a Leaning Tower.

* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmastide.

* The only vegetables known to Brits were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,

* All crisps were plain; the only choice Brits had was whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if the Brits were lucky.

* Soft drinks were called pop.

* Coke was something that Brits put on the fire.

* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

* Rice was a milk pudding, and never ever part of a British dinner.

* A Big Mac was what Brits wore when it was raining.

* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.

* A microwave was something out of a science-fiction movie.

* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

* Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

* Bread and jam was a treat.

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves -- never green.

* Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas but no civilized Brit ever ate them.

* Cocoanuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.

* Salad cream was a dressing for salads; mayonnaise did not exist

* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

* The starter was the Brit's main meal. Soup was a main meal.

* Only Heinz meant beans.

* Leftovers went in the dog.

* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

* Ready meals only came from the fish-and-chip shop.

* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.

* Frozen food was called icecream.

* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because British families never had one.

* Ice-cream only came in one colour and one flavour.

* No decent Brit had ever heard of yoghurt.

* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.

* If he/she said that he/she was on a diet, the Brit mouthing this simply got less.

* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

* Indian restaurants were only found in India.

* Brunch was not a meal.

* If they had eaten bacon, lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich, Brits would have been certified.

* A bun was a small cake back then.

* The word "Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.

* Eating outside was a picnic.

* Cooking outside was called camping.

* Seaweed was not a recognised food.

* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday

* "Kebab" was not even a Non-Oriental word -- never mind a food.

* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.

* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on.

* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.

* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to Brits.

* The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.

* Prunes were medicinal.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days: it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; Brits had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

* Brits never heard of Croissants: Brits certainly couldn't pronounce it,

* Brits thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.

* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food.

* Water came out of the tap; if somebody had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, he/she would have become a laughingstock.

* Food hygiene was all about washing one's hands before meals.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."

* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the 'fifties were elbows.
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by pdm3547 » Thu Aug 07, 2014 3:11 pm

In the fifties, poor people were thin and rich people were fat. These days, it's the other way round.

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Re: Best of British

Post by Siani » Mon Aug 18, 2014 4:12 pm

Worth a watch :P


[Mod Edit] I've changed the kink to the You Tube version to get it embedded here.

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Re: Best of British

Post by arcadianagain » Mon Aug 18, 2014 4:40 pm

What happened next, did he report the police for trespass, did he report the cameraman for impersonating a PO, did the police take any action against him.
How many of us would have stood our ground as he did.

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Mon Aug 18, 2014 5:00 pm

arcadianagain wrote:What happened next, did he report the police for trespass, did he report the cameraman for impersonating a PO, did the police take any action against him.
How many of us would have stood our ground as he did.
Unfortunately I strongly suspect they found some way to "'ave 'im.." Fair play to the guy, but the Boys in Blue will likely find some way back to those who get in their way/pi$$ them off.....
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by Nereus » Mon Aug 18, 2014 5:16 pm

pharvey wrote:
arcadianagain wrote:What happened next, did he report the police for trespass, did he report the cameraman for impersonating a PO, did the police take any action against him.
How many of us would have stood our ground as he did.
Unfortunately I strongly suspect they found some way to "'ave 'im.." Fair play to the guy, but the Boys in Blue will likely find some way back to those who get in their way/pi$$ them off.....
Is there an English version? :rasta:

I have no idea what it was all about, but if that police van was parked there with a speed camera, then the operator should be put in goal. How there was not an accident with cars passing the van I don`t know!
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!

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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Mon Aug 18, 2014 5:31 pm

Probably sold his story to the Mail or the Mirror
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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Re: Best of British

Post by STEVE G » Tue Aug 19, 2014 1:58 pm

The top 10 jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2014
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/thea ... -2014.html

1) “I’ve decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.”
Tim Vine

2) “I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.”
Masai Graham

3) “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief."
Mark Watson

4) “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.”
Bec Hill

5) “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me.”
Ria Lina

6) “Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.”
Paul F Taylor

7) “Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.”
Scott Capurro

=8) “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a-------.”
Kevin Day

=8) I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven.”
Jason Cook

10) “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.”
Felicity Ward

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Re: Best of British

Post by Siani » Wed Aug 20, 2014 10:34 pm

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered -- 'THE TEETH.'

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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:12 pm

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS"FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "Its lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during siesta time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I dont like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax ."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: No hairdressers at the resort. We are trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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Re: Best of British

Post by PeteC » Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:19 pm

^ What's more scary is that people like this are or will be running this planet. God help us all!
Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. Source

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richard
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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:26 pm



"I have outlived my pecker."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson


My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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richard
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Re: Best of British

Post by richard » Mon Sep 01, 2014 10:49 pm

One for the DW fans
who.jpg
who.jpg (29.49 KiB) Viewed 436 times
RICHARD OF LOXLEY

It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.

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