Best of British

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buksida
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Best of British

Post by buksida » Fri Mar 11, 2005 10:20 am

Be very proud to be British because:

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a
DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating
rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of
the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!
Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? - Hunter S Thompson
Get out there: On The Road Asia

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dr dave soul monsta
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BONDS THE NAME

Post by dr dave soul monsta » Fri Mar 11, 2005 7:50 pm

A confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state of the art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state of the art watch?
What's so special about it?"Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties....."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

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dr dave soul monsta
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WHY ARE WEDDING DRESSES WHITE ?

Post by dr dave soul monsta » Fri Mar 11, 2005 7:55 pm

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother
with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your
bride is pure." The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check
this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances
come in
white."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

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Dr Dave Soul Machine

Post by cockneyrebel » Sat Mar 12, 2005 6:15 am

Hi Dave, I have to ask.....have you been back to school lately, as your most recent posts don't contain any spelling mistakes and the grammar, by and large, is spot on. It's almost as if....dare I say it....they were written by someone else?
Or, perchance, have you got a secretary now that you're a qualified moderator?
(good jokes by the way....and hope you're keeping well....you're not missing much here in the UK :cry: )

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Post by dr dave soul monsta » Sat Mar 12, 2005 9:30 am

maybee this will assist you in your Decision

Good news for bad typists



Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can

read it.



I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at

Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a

wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be

in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed

it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed

ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and

tehy awlyas tlel us slpeling is ipmorantt!


Just taking a little more care now i have a responsible job !!!
i also have a Fisher Price key board with huge keys now so can hit the right key first time!!!!!

:thumb: :cheers: :thumb:
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

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dr dave soul monsta
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on a roll now

Post by dr dave soul monsta » Sat Mar 12, 2005 9:50 am

annoying things people do!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken burger gets blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

:thumb: :cheers: :thumb:
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

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Post by tonychang » Sun Mar 13, 2005 3:22 am

Buksi is that ripped off an American thing and re-worded to "British"?
Its just none of it seems to specifically apply to Britain, specially the beee r bottle thing though it regularlly applies to chang! Same with te thing Dave posted about Mc Donalds.

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dr dave soul monsta
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Post by dr dave soul monsta » Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:44 am

Actually tony the later is from a Billy Connelly sketch and has nothing to do with god damn America although Billy Connelly does seem to reside most of the time in the place what he slated of so often
Any way neither me nor Buksi claimed credit for writing these items
Are you suffering from the cold and just wanting someone to pick on??
When you back over??
L8r m8 :thumb:
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

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AUSTIN POWERS CHAT-UP Lines

Post by dr dave soul monsta » Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:51 am

AUSTIN POWERS CHAT-UP Lines..


I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.


Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet
clothes.


Nice legs...what time do they open?


Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.


You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.


I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have


you seen one?


I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.


Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.


I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to
heaven?


You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty
is only a Light switch away.


You must be the limp doctor because I've gota stiffy.


If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you


You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?


Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.


My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.


Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by
again?


Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.


Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?


Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.


Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???


Do you wash your knickers in Mr Sheen because I can see
myself in them


YEAH! BABY! YEAH!
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

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Post by dr dave soul monsta » Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:57 am

Sleeping beauty


Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.


Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."


Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."


Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."


They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.


Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"


Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."


Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

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Post by Bangkokney » Sun Mar 13, 2005 4:59 pm

A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development recently to the inside of her thighs.......a green spot on the inside of each.

They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn't worry until tests come back.

He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings.

Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots?

"You're perfectly healthy - there's no problem......



....but I'm wondering,

"Is your husband a Pikey?" the doctor asks.

"Yes - how did you know?"






























"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
FORM IS TEMPORARY | CLASS IS PERMANENT

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Post by tonychang » Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:09 pm

The Billy Connely thing would make sense, him taking the piss out of Americans though.Incidentaly am reading his biography by his (still fit) wife. Its just I've never seen it happen in a UK McD's. Not pissed off, more pissed up really.
cheers
tc

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buksida
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friendly fire

Post by buksida » Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:43 pm

While we're on the topic of Americans, I just read their artillery's standard response to casualties by friendly fire:

"***** 'em if they can't take a joke."
Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? - Hunter S Thompson
Get out there: On The Road Asia

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dr dave soul monsta
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Post by dr dave soul monsta » Thu Mar 17, 2005 7:46 pm

couldn't resist this one
Three Irishmen are walking home late one night from the bar.

As they passed the cemetary,
Paddy looked at a gravestone and said,

"By golly, look. Here's James O'Toole. He lived to be 85."

"That's nothing," says Seamus.

"Here's John McDonald who lived to be 97."

Sean then spoke up. "Wow!

Here's a guy who lived to be 143!" "Really? What's his name?"


"Miles, from Dublin."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

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House!!!!

Post by cockneyrebel » Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:06 pm

A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks
him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before. He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £350, and then gets any line and wins £3200. He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand.

The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000. The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."

"Lucky??" he screamed, "lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24."
"F**k me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well"!

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