Best of British

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Khundon1975
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Re: Best of British

Post by Khundon1975 » Sun Jul 03, 2016 5:26 am

Khundon1975 wrote:I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience
and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a
few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friends

over there instead of you."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
I've lost my mind and I am making no effort to find it.

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Sun Jul 03, 2016 11:44 pm

Men and Women
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again.

Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the river"

This is a frightening statistic !
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, luv?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Marks & Spencer’s?

He must pay !
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mum and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

Today’s Short Reading From the Bible
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Mon Jul 04, 2016 12:03 am

Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Mon Jul 04, 2016 12:09 am

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Mon Jul 04, 2016 12:15 am

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Dannie Boy
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Re: Best of British

Post by Dannie Boy » Mon Jul 04, 2016 12:18 am

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Ralfredo
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Re: Comic Video Clips

Post by Ralfredo » Mon Mar 06, 2017 7:29 pm

Not a video but hope it's OK anyway. Is there a "comic" thread somewhere?
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pharvey
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Re: Best of British

Post by pharvey » Thu Jul 06, 2017 8:28 pm

"A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen.'”
“Is that so?” the man asked, highly amused.
“It is,” she nodded, then asked, “What’s your name?”
Without missing a beat, he answered, “B. J. Titsengolf."


:cheers: :cheers:
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late". Ray Gravell :wink:

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